Theo Epstein, President of Baseball Operations for the Chicago Cubs, is both a brilliant baseball mind and a regular Gene Parmesan. For the non-Arrested Development heads, that means he’s an absolute master of disguise. Yes, we have proof.
The day after his Cubs clinched the National League Central crown, your dude rolled up to today’s Cubs/Brewers game and didn’t want to be spotted. So he did what all (pseudo) celebrities do: he donned a disguise. But not just any disguise—this was the most cunning disguise known to man, an extremely inexpensive fake mustache. With that one little trick, he became pretty much unrecognizable.
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As the game went on, Epstein apparently struggled to keep his (again, very elaborate) disguise from falling off.
This wasn’t Epstein’s first foray into the subtle art of camouflage. No, no. In fact, the man became somewhat famous for leaving Fenway Park, after resigning from the Red Sox in 2005, while dressed in a gorilla suit in an attempt to dodge the press on the way out. To be fair, it was Halloween, but also whatever. The point is that dude likes to dress up, and the point stands.
Being the generous Friday procrastinators that we are, we decided to provide you with your very own choose-your-own-Epventure to disguise Theo as you please. Here are some (extremely complex) disguises for you to try out:
We like to call this one The French Tickler. (Who is this person?! Where did Theo go?!)
This one is a little number known as the White Bronco—totally unrecognizable!
Who is this dapper gentleman we have here? Why, it’s Roundtooth Fitzhenderson, of course.
And of course, there’s always The Alfred, From Guess Who.
You are the king of espionage, Theo. Ballfans, just try tugging on the face of the person next to you the next time you’re at a game. You might get punched, it could very well be that you’re sitting next to The French Tickler himself. Don’t bring up the Jason Heyward thing.
