What It's Like to Have Sex in Prison

This article originally appeared on VICE Belgium.

In many European countries, inmates are allowed to see their partners during ‘unsupervised visits’, organised in private rooms inside the prison. However, the UK prohibits these visits. Instead, some convicts are allowed to go home to see their family, for a max of once every 14 days. But this rarely works out in practice. “Home visits are heavily restricted and, usually, reserved for low-risk prisoners who are very close to the end of their sentence,” says Laura Beesley, head of communications at the NGO Prison Advice & Care Trust.

Research shows that conjugal visits strengthen prisoners’ family bonds and enhance their quality of life. It also shows that prisons allowing them in the U.S. – this policy changes on a state-by-state basis – have lower rates of violence. One 2012 study described conjugal visits as a “powerful incentive” for inmates to be on their best behaviour, so they don’t lose those rights.

In Belgium, couples need to be legal partners, or prove they’re in a committed relationship, to be eligible for unsupervised visits. These take place in a studio, inside the prison, where there’s more privacy than the regular visitation room. The law allows for one conjugal visit of 2 hours per month, but some facilities are more lenient.

Florence (whose name has been changed to protect her identity, like others in this piece) has been in prison for over seven years - first in the city of Mons, then in Berkendael. This last facility grants convicts two conjugal visits of up to four hours per month. She and her boyfriend, Daniel, are doing their best to keep their relationship alive, but the prison system is inevitably taking a toll on them. They told us about their first unsupervised visit and the challenges of maintaining love and connection throughout Florence’s incarceration.

This interview is an excerpt of the podcast Sexualité Sous Surveillance (Sexuality Under Surveillance, only available in French), which is about women’s sex life in prison.

Florence: Before the visit, I got myself all dolled up – I did my hair, makeup and so on. I remember feeling more and more butterflies in my stomach with each passing second. Then, they opened my cell door and asked if I was ready – I said yes, but I wasn’t. The guard accompanied me down a bunch of unfamiliar hallways, with all these twists and turns. Everyone in the halls looked at me curiously, yelling stuff like, “You wanna fuck?”. They made all kinds of gross comments, but weren’t reprimanded at all by the guards. 

I headed down the hallways, just trying to think of my man - the person my heart and body wants so much. But I felt disconnected from that special kind of tenderness, the feeling I associate with making love. Someone tossed me some sheets and a big towel. Then, I headed into a new wing - another hallway full of doors. The comments came in fast, “Suck my dick!” or “Fuck off, you whore!” - I wanted to run away. 

I was scared and the guard started laughing at me. He opened a door and I went in. He told me my boyfriend was on his way.

Inside, the floor was damp and there was a totally disgusting sofa bed. There was also a portable toilet, a broken shower – the girls had warned me about that – and a horrible stench of sex and sweat. The air was contaminated with, God knows what, grossness. Then the door opened and in came my boyfriend. As he closed the door behind him, I heard somebody yell: “Happy fucking!”

Daniel: It was a nightmare, just really hellish. They gave us a bottom sheet, a top sheet, but no blanket. It was all covered in plastic. There was a radio to drown out other prisoners screaming next door, and whatever noise we made. There were condoms, too. Once the guard closed the door and we were alone, we tried really hard to forget where we were. You have to forget, if you want the time to be any good. We just held each other and cuddled.

Florence: We stood there, holding each other - I was crying and shaking. We held on tight. It felt like the moment lasted days, but it was actually just 45 minutes – we looked at the clock. The screams outside quieted down, but never stopped. We unfolded the bed, put on the sheets, got undressed and curled up against each other naked. I felt that really special kind of tenderness I mentioned.

We stayed there without moving, each thinking the same thing, but without acknowledging the toxic situation. Basically, is this is what our sex life has come to?

Daniel: For us, it’s about intimacy above all else – not necessarily sex. It’s about holding the other person in your arms and being able to kiss without being watched, without having to wonder: “Is it going on for too long? Are they going to separate us?” You can behave more naturally when there are no cameras or guards. 

Unfortunately, there’s no time for fantasies or frills, not even lingerie. It’s no fun, thinking about the fact you’ll have to do this for years. But there’s no way to rebel, either. There are no alternatives.

Florence: We made love on our fourth visit. You have to hand it to humans – we’re remarkably adaptable. You can get used to anything. You can make love while ignoring the room and comments from the dungeon hallway.

We had no heating and had to stay in the exact centre of the sofa bed, because it was so rickety. We fell off a few times and laughed about it, it was so absurd. We don’t make love every visit, even though we have so few chances – I just can’t quite get out of my own head. I’m definitely sexually frustrated.

Daniel: I think you have to be deeply in love to make it work, that’s the only thing that keeps you going. It’s not super fulfilling, but you do what you can. It’ll never replace falling asleep with her in my arms or waking up in the morning, curled up together. 

Our sex life is completely restricted. Basically, they say we have the right to love each other on such-and-such a day, from 2:30 PM to 6:30 PM. That’s not how love works, but it’s how the prison system works. After seven and a half years, you pretty much forget about it. Ultimately, within these constraints, our sex life is as good as it can be. 

The thing is, you can’t win against the prison system. If you make a scene, scream or fight with the guards, you won’t get anywhere. You have to be content and enjoy it as much as you can. In a way, I got handed the same sentence Florence did – she says it, too. As the partner on the outside, you have more freedom in your daily life, but psychologically, you’re getting the same punishment as your loved one.