People Tell Us What They Wish Was Different About Their Last Break-up

No one wants to go through life feeling the spine-tingling shiver of regret, but wishful thinking isn’t always the worst. Given that most of us live for 80+ years, our lives are bound to be full of what ifs, will they/won’t they’s and missed opportunities. 

And where better to start sifting through those regrets than in the wonderful world of relationship mess. Relationships are one of the messiest, most vulnerable and confusing parts of human existence (even at their best), so it’s no wonder lots of us look back at our love and dating history and wish things had gone a little differently. 

And the rotten cherry on top? The break-up. A situation destined to suck no matter which side of the proverbial fence you’re on. Breaking up with someone else? Well, be prepared to be the person they blame for their shrivelled little heart. Being broken up with? I hope you enjoy crying into your Maggi noodles every night for 6 weeks. 

But what’s the point of regret if we can’t use it to grow? 

In the hopes that we can learn, not just from ourselves but from each other, VICE asked its readers what they wished was different about their last break-up. 

“I wish he didn't do it directly after I booked a bunch of flat viewings for us, which he okayed.”

“I wish I’d been more honest with myself about the fact that we weren’t gonna eventually make it work. Even though I ended it, we kept hanging out and I couldn’t just accept that it wasn’t good for me and walk away.”

“I wish I’d done it earlier than I did because I just prolonged the end and made it all worse.” 

“I wish I got a lot more off my chest.” 

“I wish it was in person.”

“I wish that it wasn't the result of Covid keeping us apart until it became too hard to maintain.” 

“I wish she didn't tell all my friends and family a week before she told me.” 

“I wish that he wouldn’t compare me to his other exes.” 

“I wish she did it before our wedding day. Would've been nice.”

“I wish it didn’t take till the 17th time we broke up to actually end it.” 

“I wish I hadn’t waited til after festival season because I felt bad at the thought of him having to go to everything alone. But then I had to go to everything with someone I resented.”

“I wish I'd done it a lot earlier.” 

“I wish I’d been a bit more definitive and not just say ‘we'll give each other time & a bit of space’ when the writing was on the wall…”

Not calling things off sooner seems to be the common denominator in our reader’s unfortunate reflections. It’s easy to see how staying in a relationship beyond its expiry date can happen –  when you’re uncertain if its the right thing to do, hoping things will change or feeling too awkward to end things – but how are you gonna feel in 6 months time, when you get to the point where you can’t take it anymore so it has to end, knowing that you could’ve done it before it completely drained you? Knowing none of your time was wasted in a relationship you didn’t want to be in? Probably a hell of a lot better. 

Cutting things off is obviously hard, otherwise so many people wouldn’t be lamenting it, but you’re not gonna regret ending a relationship that you know you’re done with. 

What can be hard is admitting that you knew what the best thing to do was all along, whether that’s ending something as soon as you’re aware you've checked out, stopping yourself sleeping with someone you shouldn’t be because you’re bored or lonely, or not oversharing with others when you’re not being honest with the person in front of you. 

There are a million reasons we mess up and make the wrong choices, or end up in a situation where we’re hurt by someone else's decisions – and you don’t need to remorseful for that – but keep it in mind that every screw-up is an opportunity to learn something new (or confirm what you knew was right the whole time) and do better next time. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.