My Grandma Will Love This "Keep Abortion Legal" Knit Sweater

A good piece of clothing should both flatter your figure and physically repel everyone around you, in my opinion. I mean, you can't exactly claim to be edgy or alternative unless your bucket hat makes someone throw up in their mouth a little bit, am I right? The most instant, gratifying way of doing that is to just to be white and grow dreadlocks. That way you're offending anyone within seeing distance from the moment you wake up. But, sadly, not everyone is blessed with such an easy option. Our secret for the next best thing is to buy a sweater from artist Lisa Anne-Auerbach that sports 9/11 jokes and slogans like "Cunty First." Don't thank us, it's just part of the job. Besides offensive sweaters, we also present you with designer bag massacres, zine dresses, Japanese lingerie competitions, predatory penis rings and an incredible John Baldessari video that's made me despise the internet for not giving me exactly what I want when I bloody want it.

PREDATORY PENIS RING

Even though Etsy user Percylau has made sure to shoot the photos of her minuscule penis ring in super-soft focus, giving it that romantic, ethereal glow only a piece of appendage jewelry can attain, it still looks pretty predatory to me. Both in a creepy, "Hey, check out my dick" way, or in that "I'm gonna face-rape you with my tiny cock" way. Either way, I can only imagine someone who sweats an unnatural amount wearing it with pride.

KEEP ABORTION LEGAL

American artist Lisa Anne Auerbach desperately needs to set up shop at a Rotary Club meeting or a church hall sale because her one-off knitted sweaters would go over so well with that market. My grandma is constantly nagging about how she NEEDS a sweater that says something like Keep Abortion Legal or Knock Knock. Who's There? 9/11. 9/11, Who? and I'm usually all, "Shut it, grandma, it's not going to happen," but I can finally bring her some good news next time I visit. Thanks, Lisa, you've made an old lady very happy.

BIRKIN BURN

For his latest project, photographer Tyler Shield destroyed a red crocodile Hermès Birkin bag worth around $100,000 with a 24-month-plus waiting list. Apparently Tyler thinks materialism and luxury fashion are bullshit and that "destruction is a beautiful version of freedom." Hilariously, it seems to be pissing a LOT of people off and Tyler's girlfriend Francesca Eastwood—daughter of Clint, model in the shoot, and presumably the owner of the bag—has even been receiving death threats.

LABEL L_A_N

The most frustrating thing about this hugely done to death, tumblrcentric, meta-internet aesthetic is that it actually has a lot of potential, as long as it's done right. Case in point, the new collection from L_A_N zine, which features the pages of the magazine digitally printed on to mesh. Every clothing label that wants to bring people to their site has pretty much become a publisher, whereas L_A_N decided to do the exact opposite and whack their editorial voice on to some clothes. Not a bad way of starting a brand, actually.

BUNKA BRAS

Visiting Tokyo's

Bunka Fashion College

 would be my dream holiday. Not only would I be swimming in babes, but all those babes would be wearing the kind of bizarre, innovative creations that make Japanese design so exciting. Take Bunka's recent

lingerie design competition

, for example. I don't know how sexy

stained-glass butterflies

are, but they're sure as hell more interesting than some French lace and stockings.

TIPS FOR ARTISTS

My roommate showed me this incredible Tom Waits-narrated artist profile thing about John Baldessari a while ago and I've been on an intensive hunt for any kind of Baldessari t-shirt since. MOCA made a shirt out of his "Tips for Artists" piece and Volcom did a whole collaborative range, which was depressingly mediocre, but there has to be some tiny t-shirt label out there—probably based out of a bedroom in Hamburg, or something—that has made a shirt using some of his film stills. Can anyone help me find it? Will I ever be able to stop scrolling through the Google Image results for "amazing John Baldessari t-shirt"??

Previously: Is There Anything Cooler Than Being Bald?

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