The Montgomery Biscuits just want people to come to their games—and, like many minor league baseball teams, they try to do that by offering fans things that have absolutely nothing to do with America’s past time. July 21, 2018, for example, is “Millennial Night” at the Alabama stadium, and Mike Murphy, the vice president of fan engagement for the team and a millennial himself, seems to know everything to include. “We’re just having fun with some of the clichés that people point out about millennials,” he told FOX News. Avocado burgers, selfie stations, an area to nap, and—to cap it all off—attendees will be given a ribbon for participation. Funny, right?
If you don’t think so, there’s a chance you’re one of many millennial fans online. Like fellow millennial Drake, they’re upset! All those clichés are so insulting, Mike Murphy!
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But these livid Twitter users are refusing to look at the bigger picture. Which is, namely, that anyone on a minor league payroll—player, coach, or vice president of fan engagement—should not be taken all that seriously, especially if the organization that employs them is called the “Biscuits.” (I say this as a millennial myself.) Put another way: Minor league baseball is often very silly. It is why Staten Island’s team temporarily borrowed its name from a rat who dragged a slice of pizza down the stairs of a subway station, and why Trenton, New Jersey’s squad (at least on certain days) goes by “Pork Roll,” the state’s tasty—and controversial—breakfast meat. There is no need, in other words, to ever let a minor league’s gambit to fill seats anger you. For God’s sake, a new team in Colorado Springs is likely going to be named the Rocky Mountain Oysters, which, if you’re unfamiliar, is a euphemism for cow testicles that people eat. This is not a sport for the humorless—it is, after all, a bunch of amateurs diving around a field constantly getting interrupted by shit like a dizzy bat spin and Seinfeld trivia. Who in their right mind is buying tickets with any intention other than to drink a few overpriced beers and have an alright time?
So in honor of the Montgomery Biscuits—and to maybe help those angry people on the internet chuckle a bit—here are the eight funniest minor league baseball team names I could find. (Most of them are either dumb animals or food.)
Hartford Yard Goats
What can one really say about the Hartford Yard Goats that hasn’t been said already? The team moved from New Britain, Connecticut, in 2016, and along with the relocation, changed its name, with the help of a “Name the Team” contest, which we all know is the type of thing that always goes well. The name Yard Goats “is technically an old railroad slang term for an engine that switches a train to get it ready for another locomotive,” as the Hartford Courant reports. But that didn’t stop the people announcing the team’s new name from bringing goats on the stage. Let’s go, Yard Goats! Let’s go!
Jacksonsville Jumbo Shrimp
“There’s something fun and quirky about minor-league team names,” Ken Babby, the owner, told the Florida Times-Union when he changed the team’s name from the Jacksonville Suns to the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp a few years ago. “In our league alone, you have the [Pensacola] Wahoos and [Montgomery] Biscuits. When people see this logo and hear the name for the first time, they’ll see this experience is all about fun.”
See?! There’s nothing to get annoyed about, even if you live in Jacksonville!
Bowling Green Hot Rods
Vroom, vroom. A fast car with a really loud motor is the most attractive thing in the world. And Bowling Green, Kentucky, knows all about that. It’s home to the fucking Corvette museum! Get down in the dirt, you Hot Rods!
Asheville Tourists
The team’s scoreboard reads “Visitors” for the away team and “Tourists” for the home team, which is almost confusing enough to make me laugh. The Tourists, like many teams in the minors, sometimes change their name for the evening. Last night, for instance, the Asheville Tourists were the “Asheville Hippies.” Which begs the question: What’s worse, tourists or hippies?
Kannapolis Intimidators
Are you afraid?
You can thank Dale Earnhardt for this one—the Kannapolis, North Carolina, native joined ownership of the team in November 2000, just a few short months before his tragic death. The then Piedmont Boll Weevils changed their name to the Kannapolis Intimidators after the legendary driver’s nickname, the “Intimidator.”
Normal CornBelters
Normal, Illinois is located in the “Corn Belt,” hence the name. Pretty… normal, huh? Do people in the Corn Belt call themselves “Cornbelters”? Unclear. (It is annoying that it’s one word, though.)
New Orleans Baby Cakes
Another victim (victor?) of a “Name the Team” competition, the New Orleans Baby Cakes switched their name from the Zephyrs in 2017. In New Orleans, king cake is a Mardi Gras tradition that sees little plastic babies hidden in big lumps of dough covered in purple, green, and yellow fondant. There is no reason the baby in the New Orleans Baby Cakes logo should look this pissed off, especially if he’s royalty.
Albuquerque Isotopes
If there’s one thing New Mexico loves, it’s doing weird shit with chemicals in the desert. Just ask Walter White or the guys who detonated those nuclear bombs. Chemistry! Another thing they apparently love is The Simpsons, which is why, when the Calgary Cannons moved to the ABQ, 67 percent of its fans voted to change the name to the Isotopes, bringing to pass a great fear of Homer’s when his beloved Springfield Isotopes plan a move to the Southwest.
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