All Hallow’s Eve is here again: you’ve carved your pumpkin, put on a scary movie, and lowered the TV down when local children came trick or treat-ing so that they couldn’t tell you were in. Tis the season!
But what’s that? You’re in need of a last minute costume? And you’re sick and tired of the same old witch, wizard, and vampire outfits? AND nobody will do Squid Game with you? Well, that just won’t do! Luckily for you, here to inspire you are some fresh new, actually scary Halloween ideas, based on the stuff that really keeps you up at night. Boo!
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CLIMATE CHANGE
She’s the existential problem threatening generations to come with total extinction – what could be more hair-raising than that? Here’s how to steal her style: simply turn up to your chosen Halloween bash, set yourself on fire, and ensure nobody in the surrounding area does anything at all to stop the blaze! Chic!
DEATH, SPECIFICALLY OF OURSELVES AND LOVED ONES
This one comes for us all, so why not provoke the latent fears of your fellow partygoers with a fun, crafty costume? Simply procure a Scream mask from your nearest child or fancy dress shop, make a hole in a bin liner for your head, and have some pics of yourself with your nearest and dearest printed and framed. Scary and sustainable: you’ve now got a reusable rain poncho as well as a spooky outfit!
MEGAN FOX AND MACHINE GUN KELLY
Play celebrity dress up and go as a modern spin on a creepy ancient curse: heterosexual monogamy!
THE FACT THAT YOU YOURSELF MIGHT ONE DAY HAVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS
Sorry but just to drop the schtick for a second: does this ever, like, haunt you really badly? The idea that one day you will go to sleep normal and wake up the next morning even more aware of your own mortality than you already are, and decide to like, buy and crash a motorcycle, or get the Frankie from The Saturdays haircut about it?
Sometimes I will just be getting on with my normal day-to-day suffering and suddenly just be completely struck not only by the fact that I am a human and will one day die, but also by knowing that, as I age, I will only become more cognisant of this, and will therefore probably do something really cringe in 15 or so years time. I really worry that it’s going to be TikTok dances. Anyway for this one just take a look at whatever your dad got really unhealthily into when he hit 45 and go as that.
THE DAILY MAIL COMMENTS SECTION
Do you feel annihilating dread every time you dare to look at what the 50-somethings of the UK are saying about Insulate Britain? Snap! Replicate that feeling as a Halloween ensemble by writing out the most hateful but also sometimes weirdly horny things you can think of, and pin them to your clothes. Why not make it sexy by adding fishnets?
HOME OWNERSHIP
And, specifically, the high chance that you may never actually reach this quite basic economic position due to soaring prices and the vampiric, government sanctioned greed of private landlords! This one’s a super cute couples’ costume: just fashion a charming ‘house’ out of a cardboard box and string, place it over the shoulders of Member 1 of the couple, while Member 2 other chases them around the Halloween party, but is never quite able to catch them, despite the fact that they gave up coffees and avocado toast ages ago. Kinky, huh?
A GHOST
Just genuinely really scary to be fair – a classic for a reason.
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