Do Cheaters Deserve To Lose Their Friends After Being Caught?

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

The most entertaining place on the internet is the comment section of a celebrity who’s rumoured to have cheated on their partner. It’s a complete dumpster fire of random strangers ripping them to shreds.

The discourse can get wild - for instance, when rumours of Jay-Z’s infidelity swirled, Beyonce stans stormed the internet with an unmatched fervour. While some folks may have accepted his apology on the critically acclaimed track ‘4:44’, the Bey-Hive will likely never forget.  

Navigating whether celebrities deserve to be cancelled for cheating is a slippery slope. On one hand, calling out certain actions online can be a great way to raise awareness and educate people on problematic behaviours. On the other, it could lead to unrelenting cyberbullying.

But what happens if your mate cheats?

Or if they are the ‘other’ person? Do you stay friends with them – or cut ties altogether?

Being friends with a cheater poses some ethical dilemmas, from whether you’re morally obligated to tell their partner or if you should cut ties with the cheater in the first place. In the words of Shaggy, ‘It Wasn’t Me.’  

Here’s what to ask yourself if your friend has cheated.

Infidelity doesn’t always just mean hopping in bed with someone who isn’t your partner. For example, romantic cheating refers to when a person loses feelings for their partner and grows attached to someone else, whereas intellectual cheating is when someone shares a bond over common interests and intentionally excludes their partner. There’s also cyber cheating, where someone may seek comfort online with a different person, and some folks also consider having certain fantasies as cheating - even before acting on them.

A study found that men were more distressed by sexual cheating, where their partner was physically intimate with another person. While women were more distressed by emotional cheating, where their partner sought support and companionship other than theirs. Ultimately, what you consider cheating depends on the boundaries you would place in a relationship and whether they’ve been violated or not. 

It’s easy to judge from the side, but when you’re the one being cheated on — it’s another story.

Would you want your mates to maintain a relationship with someone who cheated on you? How would your mates respond if they heard you’d cheated on someone? The discussion tends to fall into two categories online. One is that they’re adults and that it’s no one else business. Or two, that it’s your duty as a friend to call them out when they act up.

I remember when a friend told me she cheated on her boyfriend of three years with his best mate. I found myself in an ethical dilemma about whether I should tell her partner, who I was also close with. If I didn’t tell him, I felt like I was cheating by proxy. But if I did tell him, I felt like it was a breach of her trust.

Additionally, I couldn’t help but wonder if she valued our own friendship since she intentionally ruined another relationship.

How long you’ve known them, how close you are, and their past behaviours will determine whether you still trust your mate. Ultimately — you’re the only one who knows what they mean to you.

If you wish to cut them off, it’s important to consider how this will impact your life and the people around you. Will it make things awkward? Or is it worth it after what they’ve done? 

If you need a break from contact with your mate, you can explain that you want to remain friends, but need time to work through what they did. If they’re really your friend, they’ll understand where you’re coming from and give you the space you need. If they don’t understand, then it’s time to consider if they respect you as a friend.

If you want to cut them off altogether, it's crucial not to ghost them intentionally. Otherwise, you could create confusion and potentially upset others in your friend group. By sitting down in person (if you feel safe to do so), you can explain why you’re uncomfortable still being friends and what this will look like going forward. 

If you want to support them, leave the judgment at the door. While it’s essential to explain that you don’t condone their behaviour, looking down on them won’t help. By lending an ear, you can help guide them to understand what they did is wrong and help them become a better person. Just be prepared for what you’re going to do if you run into their ex.

It’s tough to know what to do when someone you value does something problematic. At the end of the day, it’s ultimately up to your own morals and what you feel comfortable with.