I’m Attractive – Why Do I Keep Getting Rejected?

This piece originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today we’re hoping to help a reader who’s worried about not being able to find a partner.

Hi VICE,

I don’t think I’m an unattractive guy. I’m fairly tall and lean with broad shoulders. I’m relatively well-groomed and have my own sense of style. I also think I’m quite smart, compassionate, understanding, reliable, etc. But for some reason, I’ve been dealing with one rejection after another – for years. 

My friends and roommates say it’s down to my insecurities. I don’t speak up until I’m filled to the very brim with feelings for somebody. Then I’ll mutter something along the lines of “I kinda like you” or half-heartedly ask if she’d like to go out on a date sometime. In those moments, my questions are overwhelmed so much pressure and self-doubt that no woman seriously considers going out with me.

I’m getting a strong impression that women expect men to make the first move, but I struggle with this. I also hear many women say that they like confident men or men with a great sense of humour. I like to crack a joke every now, but I’m more of a serious type and enjoy engaging in deep conversations. How can I project self-confidence, when my current dating reality is a string of rejections? I’m also afraid to be seen as a creepy guy who is only after one thing.

How do I strike a balance between being respectful and confidently letting someone know that I find them attractive?

Sincerely,

E.

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Dear E.,

First off, it’s perfectly normal to be single for a while in this day and age. According to a recent survey, 51 percent of Americans under the age of 35 aren’t in a committed relationship, a trend that’s only been increasing since the 1980s. Among all ages, that figure is 35 percent, also at an all-time-high.

Despite all this, being in a relationship seems to be the norm – and lack of success in finding a partner can cause significant stress and frustration, especially if you’re actively looking for one.

You begin your letter by describing your looks and your character. These two things do factor into whether sparks will fly between two people, but there’s tonnes more to it. Who are the people you tend to crush on? Do you have an easy connection with them? Or do you view them through the same detached, analytical lens you use on yourself?

You might have all the qualities of a desirable partner on paper. But at the end of the day, attractiveness has a lot more to do with intuition than a checklist of physical and personality features. “People can have a type, but there are so many things that make a person attractive or not,” explains Amsterdam-based sexologist Yuri Ohlrichs. “And often, you’ll have no idea what makes you attractive to others either.”

Setting looks aside, things like your scent, the sound of your voice and the way you laugh all make up your sex appeal. Ohlrichs suggests asking your friends what they find attractive about you and going from there.

There are a few things you should take into consideration when you want to get to know someone better. To start with, “don’t immediately wonder if this could turn into a relationship”, Ohlrichs says. “That doesn’t only put pressure on you, but the other person feels will feel it too and shuts down.” 

You can also pay attention to the flow of the conversation. “If you ask a lot of questions,” he adds, “but don’t get any in return, you can assume that there are no romantic vibes between you and this person.” Romantic connections don’t usually happen like in the movies – some people need more time to feel comfortable, and maybe you do, too.

If you take an easygoing and natural approach to starting a conversation, look out for the other person’s social cues and display genuine interest in what they have to say, you don’t have to worry about coming off as a “creepy guy” – something you said concerns you. “And here’s a very simple tip: Don’t immediately bring up sex or physical appearance,” Ohlrichs stresses.

Ohlrichs also notes that if you don’t like going out in bars, you shouldn’t force yourself to be there just because you’re hoping to meet someone. “There are plenty of other ways to connect,” he says.

It sounds like the world’s biggest cliche, but just be yourself – as scary as that might be. That’s the only way you’ll attract people with whom you have the potential to create a meaningful bond. It’s also wildly attractive when people are confident enough to be themselves.

Finally, don’t get discouraged by rejection. In reality, great loves are few and far between. It’s perfectly normal to fail a few times before you find someone to be with. One of the most important things is that you go with the flow and keep things fun and easy, whether the end result is a relationship, a friendship – or just a fun night out.