All the Cute, Coy Ways Republicans Could Block Obama’s Nominee Merrick Garland

President Obama has nominated chief judge of the DC Appeals Court Merrick Garland as the new justice of the Supreme Court. His appointment could affect several critical cases currently up before the court, including decisions on affirmative action, immigration, and access to abortion. This is probably why Senate Republicans want to stop an Obama nomination at all costs. Back in February, they met and pledged a closed-door blood oath.

Because the meeting was behind closed doors, we don’t know what objections or stalling techniques the senators brainstormed, nor do we know what kind of freaky Eyes Wide Shut-type stuff they may have gotten up to beforehand.

Judge Garland is a moderate and well-regarded by conservatives and the current Chief Justice John Roberts. However, if you take a blood oath, you must follow through. The list of stalls that the GOP has up their sleeves might look a little something like this:

• SCOTUS Appointment conflicts with hair extension appointment.

• Broadly horoscope says “expect poor communication to get in the way of your goals around 2:17 p.m.” Best not to make any decisions during this time of confusion.

• Need to clear DVR of Masterchef Jr. before Bachelor In Paradise starts.

• We’re all going out to get those pedicures where the little fish eat your dead skin. We’re really stoked but too freaked out to concentrate.

• Need to take time off to observe St. Patrick’s Day, Yom Kippur, Blessed John of Fiesole Day, St. Polycarp Day, Magikarp Day, Canadian Thanksgiving (for Ted Cruz), Taco Tuesday, Shark Week, and Take Your Daughter to Filibuster Day.

• Not enough people think we’re whiny pissbabies.

• Sock drawer could be better organized.

• It’s Miller Time.

• Can we try to defund Planned Parenthood one more time, like really quick?

• Too sexually aroused by the clearly phallic podium microphones.

• Couldn’t sleep last night. Restless leg syndrome, amirite?!

• No new justices until a woman is the host of a network late night talk show.

• brb texting bae

• Asked myself WWJD, and he probably didn’t even know what the Supreme Court is, so, like, where do I go from there? Are there some moneylenders I could throw out of a temple?

• We would like to appoint the ghost of Scalia, please.

• Three words: fake heart attack.

• If all else fails, pull the fire alarm.