All the Horrific Things I’ve Witnessed as a Wedding Caterer

Welcome back to Restaurant Confessionals, where we talk to the unheard voices of the restaurant industry from both the front- and back-of-house about what really goes on behind the scenes at your favourite establishments. For this installment, we hear from the founder of a food events company that provides catering for weddings across the UK.

At weddings, people are up for a good time. Everyone loves a wedding, whether it’s your nan or cousin. And I think the combination of not eating a great deal, drinking loads, and being surrounded by your mates and family sets things off. I’ve worked at really gorgeous five-star hotels with Michelin-starred restaurants, and also at pretty rough-and-ready venues, so I’ve seen both sides. You expect rowdy behaviour from some of the more budget weddings, but you get it at both ends of the spectrum.

I’ve caught a groom doing coke in the toilet before and he had a nosebleed going down the aisle. It happens a lot. There are drugs at all levels.

Once, we were doing a wedding in the countryside in a huge house—the couple was a high-end fashion photographer and a model. She was a nightmare from day one and demanded everything, but the prep wasn’t too bad. It was in a marquee in the garden and there were pop stars and “It” girls in attendance.

I’ve caught a groom doing coke in the toilet before and he had a nosebleed going down the aisle.

It was a normal day and there was nothing too rowdy until the meal started. People started getting a bit lairy and the groom popped two pills quite openly before his speech. That kicked the night off. Pop stars were coming into the kitchen and offering the kitchen porter coke. There was ketamine everywhere. After the food had gone, we were on the bar until 3 AM. At one point, “The Chain” by Fleetwood Mac came on and everything seemed to go in slow motion. I was just looking round and there were so many famous people and all sorts of nonsense wherever you looked. Everything you can imagine went on.

The morning after, we went back to clean up and there was a handful of people still up, absolutely flying. The barman went to a back room and there was a girl passed out of the floor. She woke up and was trying to get some more ket.

We weren’t ready for that one, but at least they were polite enough to wait until after the food.

We had another wedding where everyone got off the coach from the ceremony, absolutely flying on coke. We sent three courses out for a hundred people, and three courses came back, untouched. Another time, we did a vegan and gluten-free banquet and it ended up with pretty much everyone sneaking out and going to get their own food. This couple hated each other and started arguing straight away after the ceremony and had a blazing row on the street. Then the best man groped the mother-of-the-bride. The groom then did a pretty terrible speech and asked his bride to dance with him and she said no. We’re 99-percent certain they’re divorced now.

We always get the list of dietary requirements through beforehand and I’ve had all sorts of weird and wacky requests. One woman decided that she couldn’t have any of our menu and gave us a short and concise list of what she could eat. It consisted of chicken nuggets and French fries. I had a groom who only ate fish fingers, chips, and beans so he had that as his main course. And I’ve had a bride who only ate cheese and crackers, so she had three courses of cheese and crackers.

You see everything at weddings. We’ve had brides so wasted that they can’t even stand up for their first dance. I’ve had a bride doing cartwheels across the dance floor without any knickers on. Then there was the mother-of-the-groom who turned up at the ceremony in an intensely tight dress. She sat down, her dress split in two, and she wasn’t wearing any underwear. For the rest of the ceremony, she had to wear her husband’s jacket and a sarong fashioned from the sash on a chair cover.

We’re always catching people shagging. Ushers, bridesmaids, the mums, the dads, cousins—always shagging.

At another wedding, they released doves during the ceremony, and as the doves went up, one of them was attacked by a hawk. Feathers went everywhere. That was pretty terrible but also hilarious.

We’re also always catching people shagging. Ushers, bridesmaids, the mums, the dads, cousins—always shagging.

One time, a nan brought a gift to the wedding and kept it beside her table. I asked whether she’d like me to put it on the gift table and she said no. When I looked at it a bit more closely, it was a box of wine which she had gift wrapped, with the little tap hanging out the bottom which she was using to top up her glass.

When you’re watching people, you just think, “Do we look like absolute muppets when we’re pissed?” And the answer is yes, of course. But it goes with the territory and people are having a good time. I’d rather that than go somewhere where everyone was completely sober and there was a terrible atmosphere. We’ve all been in that position at one point. Maybe not to the point of breaking an ankle on the dance floor or cartwheeling with no knickers on—but each to their own!

And that’s what’s great about weddings, each one is different. Every single couple is different and you never see the same thing twice. It’s a strange profession that we choose but you always meet a great variety of people. People know how to have a good time and we’re here to facilitate that.