An Open Letter To…Billie Joe Armstrong

Hello, I’m Ryan. I work a shitty day job, and in between serving yuppies caramel macchiatos and wiping smeared ketchup off plates, I daydream and fanboy over today’s musicians. I’ll probably never get to share a milkshake with Kanye West or play dress up with Lady Gaga, so this column is a place for me to call out artists and spew my guts all over the interwebs.

THIS WEEK – Billie Joe Armstrong

Hello, Internet! Billie Joe Armstrong has been around for quite some time now. Back in their heyday, Green Day used to soundtrack my skate sessions. I’d pop on some oversized skate shoes, slip into my baggy jeans with a chain hanging off the side, put on “Basket Case” and feel like the coolest kid in 8th grade.

It didn’t matter that my shoes were the size of breeze blocks, or that Billie Joe wore eyeliner like like it ain’t no thang. Green Day WAS COOL. They blew the piss stained pants off of Blink-182 and consistently held up a “Fuck you” to authority—which, when you’re 12, is rad.

They also made classic, contemporary pop songs. You can sit there all smug, on your high up internet chair in the comment section and tell me that they sucked, but they didn’t. Tracks like “Basket Case” and “When I Come Around” still stand the test of time 20 years on, while “Time Of Your Life” will forever stand as the defining moment of high school, when my senior year tutor played the song in class.

Right then, at that specific moment, tears flooded my young eyes as I felt as though my life would be over and nothing would ever be as good as recess and homemade sandwiches from Mom. I was probably right. My Mom still makes me sandwiches when I go home, and I’m constantly dying for a recess from the bane of bills, being broke, and the constant bullshit of modernity and becoming an adult.

Of course, they did eventually start to suck. The band fell into the throes of political anti-government propaganda and eventually started to become caricatures of themselves. BUT. They deserve their time. They deserve more than one fucking minute.

Last week, Billie Joe Armstrong told the world to fuck off and that he’s not fucking Justin Bieber.

The label or management or whatever have responded in some sort of teacher-giving-detention way by sending you off to rehab. Maybe you do have problems. We all do. Hell, Jay-Z’s got 99 of the fuckers. But I’m sure he’d have 100 if some authoritarian tried to kick him off stage halfway through a set.

If it were Carly Rae Jepsen or some shit breaking her guitar on stage (can you imagine?), I’d fully enjoy the spectacle, laugh about it, then tell her to get the fuck on and make another “Call Me Maybe.” BUT, it’s not. This is Billie Joe Armstrong, and he’s been on the scene since fucking 19-fucking-88.

So, I’m writing to you, Billie Joe, to tell you that I agree. You do deserve more than one fucking minute. You deserve a thousand minutes and you deserve a thousand fucks. And if you’re ever feeling like you want to play a show and play Dookie in full, my house is free. (No rider requests please, as we’re broke, but what we can’t offer in booze and cheese sandwiches, we can offer in minutes by the bucket-load.) Until then, here’s a little reminder of the oddest thing that ever happened in 2005.

Green Day Performing with Snoop Dogg on MTV

Sincerely,

Ryan

P.S I’ve also got a guitar you can use, since you broke your old one on stage.

@ryanbassil