Of all the many Premier League footballers who have been likened to Jesus down the years, Joe Allen is most deserving of the comparison. On a superficial level, that’s because he looks like our Saviour – what with his lustrous, wavy hair and his magnificent auburn beard – and also because he seems like a generally nice bloke. Take a moment to imagine Joe Allen in flowing white robes, and tell us that he doesn’t look at least a bit messianic. He is the Christ of Cymru, the Welshman’s wonderment, and he performs his holy miracles on the football pitch.
This weekend was a prime example of his miraculous abilities, in that he managed to inspire Stoke into actually winning a competitive football match. He scored both goals as Mark Hughes’ side downed Sunderland, who now look about as likely to survive the season as an uncharismatic debutant character in The Walking Dead. Joe’s divine intervention might not have been enough to lift Stoke out of the bottom three, but it has at least given them hope after their godless start to the campaign. For Joe himself, his goals have been a resurrection, and brought him even closer to heaven’s gates.
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Up until now, Joe’s career has closely resembled that of our Redeemer. He started out as a young marvel, became a saviour for Swansea and the Welsh national team, then suffered a slow and painful death at Liverpool which looked to have brought his story to an unfortunate end. Now he has risen again, appearing to his disciples in post-industrial Staffordshire. He has materialised in the Sunderland box to the sound of angelic trumpets and singing seraphim, before nodding in a routine header from three yards out.
While not all of his interventions are divine in their aesthetic, Stoke fans won’t care how his miracles come about. They want to see him shining bright in their midfield, inspiring the team to an ascent up the table and, perhaps, with time, giving them the strength and character to be quite good. Joe Allen could be the man to do God’s work in the Potteries, and show the club true spiritual deliverance. First and foremost, though, he should deliver them a successful season, which this year looks to be any league finish between 10th and 17th place.
