Which Protest Sign Will Get You Arrested? I Tried to Find Out

Queen Elizabeth II is dead. I thought I’d put that news smack bang at the top of this article, just in case you somehow missed it. It’s a grey day in London and everyone is wearing their saddest faces because the nation is in a period of state-sanctioned mourning in the lead-up to the Queen’s funeral. It’s been a tough time for us all – parties have been cancelled, football matches postponed; even Legoland Windsor is closing its doors on the day of the funeral as a mark of respect.

One cliche you always hear whenever there’s a funeral is that everyone grieves in their own way. Here in the capital, some people are queuing for five miles to get a glimpse of the Queen’s casket, while others are taking to social media to create memes about her being reincarnated as Trisha Paytas’ baby. The important thing to remember is that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Whatever you’re feeling is totally normal, babe <3

What isn’t normal is the news that people are being detained or arrested for shouting stuff as innocuous as “who elected him?” or holding up signs saying “not my king” at coronation events for King Charles III. Freedom of speech is a vital part of a healthy democracy. So, to test the limits of free speech in the new England, I decided to stage a one-man protest in London.

First things first, I meet up with VICE photographer Yushy Pachnanda in a back alley near Piccadilly Circus. Across the river, there’s already a three-mile long line of people waiting to see the Queen’s casket in Westminster Hall. We’re not interested in picking fights with well-wishers who have been waiting for as long as 12 hours in The Queue, so we’re going to try to keep a respectful distance from the mourners.

Away from the watchful eyes of the police, Yushy and I get to work on our signs. VICE’s lawyers have advised us not to write anything on placards which could be deemed threatening or abusive by officers.

In the end, we decide to decorate our placards with internet memes, pop culture slogans, and quasi-political jargon – because if the police arrest me for holding up a sign with “Deez Nuts” on it, we really are entering a dark age for British democracy.

We start our unofficial march at the Piccadilly Circus Fountain, one of London’s best loved tourist traps. I walk in front of the advertising boards, whip out my first placard and wait to hear the crack of an MI5 sniper. Luckily for me, aside from a few bemused American holidaymakers, nobody bats an eyelid at my “Goblin Mode” sign. Take that, Your Majesty!

Feeling emboldened by the fact that I haven’t been punched in the face yet, I continue on towards Trafalgar Square, where I try out a range of different signs – from the mildly provocative (“Will lick boots for cash”), to the downright deferential (“RIP Liz, you would have loved Don’t Worry Darling”). Safe to say, nobody gives a shit.

We carry on walking along the river, towards the gates of Downing Street. If the police are going to arrest me anywhere, it’s outside the home of the UK’s new prime minister, Liz Truss. I hold up a placard (“Dump Him”), and get some stinking looks from the officers and armed police – but no one reaches for their handcuffs.

It makes me wonder if the Met Police have changed their tune in the last 48 hours. All week, the police have come under fire from MPs, political pundits and even their own top brass for arresting protestors. There’s only one way to find out for sure.

Yushy and I follow the crowds to Parliament Square. This is the site where barrister Paul Powlesland held up a blank piece of paper on Monday and was told he risked being arrested if he wrote “not my king” on it. The clip went viral. So how will the police react to my placard, which reads “These days you get arrested and thrown in jail just for holding a sign”?

As I tape my sign to the metre-long ruler I bought from WHSmith, I start to wonder if this is such a good idea. It’s not just the police that I have to worry about. On Tuesday, a 22-year-old boy was shoved to the ground for heckling Prince Andrew in Edinburgh. Am I about to get the same treatment?

With Big Ben looming over me, I walk to the centre of Parliament Square and lift up my sign. Within about 30 seconds, I’m swarmed by media photographers and very cross Middle Englanders. While they don’t look like the kind of people who are going to kick my head in, they do look like they’re about to give me a right royal lecture.

It’s the most British™ confrontation I’ve ever been in. It feels like I’m back at school; only instead of being lectured by my English teacher, I’m being lectured by the entire staff room. If you listen carefully, you can still hear them tutting.

Another 30 seconds pass, and a heritage guard comes marching up to me across the lawn. He also looks very, very cross™, but unlike the onlookers he’s wearing a uniform. The man demands I lower my sign – citing everything from the law, to the will of the landowner, to the Divine Right of Kings. In the good name of democracy, I tell him to bog off (also, he’s not actually police and has no authority).

As more and more press gather around me, and more and more onlookers walk up to call me an “attention-seeking plonker” (yeah, guilty), it seems like I’m more likely to end up in the Daily Mail than in HMP Wandsworth. It isn’t my intention to upset elderly mourners – I get the feeling it’s time to go. Yushy and I gather our signs and decamp to a Westminster pub.

So is democracy in danger under King Charles III and the Tories? It’s really too soon to tell. At the time of writing I’m still a free man, but let’s wait and see how the police handle the protests at Monday’s state funeral before we make a judgement. Until next time, criminal scum.

@snakedenton / @_yushy