Assblaster

Photo by Terry Richardson

You know when you have those shits where there’s so much bile and drugs and booze in your system from the night before that your entire anus starts to fall out of your ass and dip into the toilet like an elephant trunk? You don’t? Well, you’re not the partier you think you are. For those of us out there who truly know how to give ‘er, taking a dump the next day is like getting raped with wet razor wire. So, why is it that after all this suffering and horror, North Americans are expected to rub fibrous paper all over our tender wounds? What fucking sadist came up with this plan? I can barely tamp and you’re asking me to sandpaper my bleeding hole?

“Around the turn of the century, toilet paper was considered a step up,” says Dr. Warren Smith, the inventor of the greatest thing ever made. “People were using leaves and stones back then.” They were also not getting black-out drunk and doing crystal meth all night, apparently. Can you imagine rubbing a STONE on your veiny elephant trunk of an ass? You’d literally die. “Well, I didn’t really invent the Biffy for hangovers,” Smith interjects, “but if you’re finding it useful, then by all means, enjoy.”

Dr. Smith invented an affordable and easy-to-install bidet about five years ago for a handicapped patient who couldn’t wipe his own ass. To make matters worse, the guy had ‘roids and needed very selective dabbing. Smith decided this was an indignity far too ignoble for any man to bear and invented a water-shooting handle thing that connects to your tank and fucking BLASTS water all over your ass. We’re talking crack to ‘taint and back! The most genius thing about this design is its sheer simplicity. It just siphons the pressure from your tank and puts a valve on it that you decide to release at your own preference. Delicate ladies can enjoy a merry splashing while overweight heroin addicts can indulge in a full-on riot hose. Goodbye, toilet paper. If the entire Western World is not using these within the next five years, logic has nothing to do with consumerism and that whole “Build a better mousetrap” adage is complete horse shit. “We’re getting about 1,500 orders a month and have had to open two separate manufacturing plants just to meet the demand,” says Smith enthusiastically. “I’m being forced to travel all over the world since I invented this thing, and I hate traveling. I hate having to be without my Biffy.” And there, my friends, is the only drawback with this incredible piece of amazingness. Once you try a Biffy, even for just a moment, you can never, ever, ever go back.

For more info go to biffy.com. Please. We swear to fucking god it will change your life forever. Even your sex life improves.