We Asked Atheists How They Deal With Their Religious Families

For the most part, atheists mind their own business. Rarely do you see an atheist professing to being one. As a comedian and an atheist myself, whenever I put videos out on the topic, I’ve faced my share of pushback ranging from “you will rot in hell” to “I pray that you find God soon.” But rarely does anyone try to have a rational conversation with us about why we don’t believe in a god. 

Atheism, for those not in the know, is the simple belief that there is no god. There might be atheists who feel a spiritual connection to a higher power, but minus any religious trappings. Basically, atheists will trip on a plant with a blooming flower and be like: “Wow, that’s neat!” We don’t attribute the beauty of the flower to a designer who made the plant with his/her/their hands. Evolution trumps Adam and Eve essentially. 

The sad part is that most of the time atheists, at least in India where I live, keep their views to themselves because most of us come from religious families across diverse faiths. Trying not to offend family members with your personal belief system is, ironically, every atheist’s personal cross to bear. 

Over the years, I’ve tried everything from pulling up articles and facts to using common sense, but nothing seems to work. My mother would hate that instead of being bathed and dressed for Sunday morning mass, I’d choose to sleep in instead. She would throw cold water on my face, and even snatch my blanket away to convince me to go to church. I would eventually have to move out, as it became difficult for me to even survive in the same space. 

I still go home on religious holidays like Easter and Christmas, but it’s more for the food than anything else. And when I’m in the midst of family, I have to swallow my pride, and bear silent witness to the carrying out of rituals. I avoid dredging up any unnecessary drama, even if it means being extremely uncomfortable during the time I’m with them. Several other atheists also feel the same, and here’s how they manage manoeuvering around their super religious families.

Keeping the peace

Most parents typically love to pressure offspring into being as religious as they are. It’s a mark of honour in Christian families when family members observe Lent, the 40-day fasting period observed by practising Christians, or when the younger generation is able to sing devotional hymns and bhajans with ease in Hindu families, or namaaz is performed in Muslim families.

For 21-year-old Shreyas, a visual arts student from New Delhi, returning to their family in the Indian state of Uttarakhand means hiding their non-binary self. “My family follows the Arya Samaj (a monotheistic Hindu reform movement), and can be a little intense. So, yes, it involves praying everyday and strictly performing certain rituals,” they said. 

Shreyas had to move to Delhi to study because religion didn’t make sense in their head and staying with family meant they would have to follow in the family’s footsteps. “When I’m on my own, they can’t force me to do anything. But whenever I’m in my hometown I have to be involved. I don’t have a say in that,” said Shreyas.

Goa-based media professional Raj feels he doesn’t have much choice either. He said, “I try not to take part in any rituals, but there are responsibilities that I have inherited from my father that are unavoidable.” For the 29-year-old, the trick is to pretend and treat the ritual as just another procedure to complete. “I have no problem with what my family does, as long as it does not affect me,” he said.

Battling different ideologies

In a country where religious beliefs have led to much violence, there’s very little freedom to profess that you don’t want to play on any god’s team. 

Once your family notices that you aren’t participating in religious activities with the same gusto as you once used to, all hell can break loose. For 25-year-old Noida-based doctor Nikkita, compliance was an option for only a little while before things turned sour with her family. “Initially, I wouldn’t recite the prayer during the evening prayer time, and I wouldn’t sign the cross,” she said. “But my family would stop praying midway to quarrel with me over my ideology.”.

It isn’t uncommon in these situations for parents to break down and use emotional blackmail. “My parents would point out how they have agreed to so many of my demands, so I should reciprocate the same way and go to church with them,” said Nikkita. 

Media professional Raj said, “For my folks, the reaction was a mix of anger and disappointment. I was told [atheism] is not an option. They then proceeded to blame my generation for being corrupted by western ideologies. I was also barred from mentioning it to anyone else.”

For Aditya, a 26-year-old student based in Delhi, asking counter questions was not entertained by his family. “They look at me as if I’ve lost my marbles. I read them the quote from the Bhagwad Geeta where Lord Krishna says, ‘you’re equal to me whether you’re an atheist or fanatic.’ But they don’t believe in that,” he said.

Questioning beliefs

Moin, a subject matter expert who hails from the city of Haldwani in Uttarakhand, was born into a Muslim family, and says that while his family isn’t hardcore religious, they do involve him in festivals and Friday prayers. “They wanted me to go to a religious shrine with them just so I would stop questioning our faith,” he said.

Since Moin lives with family, he has no option but to put up with most of these demands. However, when he cannot stand certain practices, he voices his opinion only to be met with disdain. “Over time, they have learned to ignore how I feel about their beliefs. I don’t have a single atheist friend around. So, I am bound to wonder why only I feel this way in the entire neighbourhood,” he said.

“Our families are convinced that their way is the best way because they never tried anything else, and now it’s too late to question their entire belief system because that would mean their entire life was a lie,” said Nikkita, who realised after enrolling in med school that she suffered from chronic anxiety and depression. Her family, on the other hand, blamed the decline in her mental health on her lack of faith and Satan.

“The whole concept of religion works on guilting you into thinking that things are going wrong in your life because you aren’t grateful to a higher power. This thought really messed up the way I processed my own thoughts for the longest time,” said Nikkita.

Easing into surrender

Eventually, after all the screaming matches and the lashing out, there often isn’t much to do apart from rolling with the punches. For atheists and their families, finding a middle ground is necessary. And despite how tough that might sound, it isn’t impossible. 

Raj said, “I’ve made a deal with my family where I shall participate in the bare minimum activities for the sake of community, culture, and family. I’ve also [laid] some ground rules including not meeting any priests or godmen.” He noted that rather than outright dismissing his family’s beliefs, this is an easier way for him.

Anuradha is a technical data specialist from Mumbai who was born into a Hindu family and later married into a Jain family. “Both my birth family and in-laws are very religious. They pray everyday and expect me to learn about Jainism because it means a lot to them,” said the 29-year-old.

She added that she tries to indulge them and to show that she cares, as she doesn’t want to hurt their feelings in spite of her own lack of faith. “My husband really wants me to practise Jainism, and this is one of the biggest bones of contention in our relationship. It’s exhausting and I just wish it would be easier on this front,” she said.

Building separate communities

In some ways, it’s easy to empathise with our parents’ generation and to understand what they are going through. For many of them, religious institutions are where they derive their sense of community from. Using god(s) as a focal point, they create an oasis for themselves where they find people who think, act, and feel the same way (did someone say cult?) as they do. 

For me, after years and years of going to church, it finally clicked one Sunday that the priests and the hymns had nothing new to say. So, I had to look elsewhere. After all, being religious cannot be the only way to lead a good life. The promise of brownie points (read: Heaven) after death should never be the incentive for leading a kind and peaceful life. The idea that the new generation is building genuine communities beyond faith, based on ideas of sex and utopia, can be a tough pill to swallow for our parents and others who were raised to think and feel differently. And it won’t go down without a fight. 

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