By 23 you will have learned a few crucial life lessons. For example, even if you change coats, the bouncer is still going to remember the first time you tried to get in the club. Hairdressers never listen. No matter what people say, there is no way to slice an onion without it stinging your eyes.
And yet, despite all this knowledge, one big glaring blindspot remains, an aspect of life that continues, no matter your efforts, to allude you: dating. This practice has no internal logic; you think you understand it and then it wiggles out from underneath you. To help you in some way, here are 23 things you should have – but almost definitely haven’t – learned by now about dating.
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No one wants to do a ‘fun’ activity
The only two dates that exist are: going for a drink or going for a walk. Anything else is wrong, sorry.
Doesn’t matter whether or not you have sex on the first date
You could wait a few hours or a few months – if they’re going to lose interest after sex, they’re going to lose interest after sex.
It’s not you
It’s not because you’ve got huge calves, it’s not because of the spot on your forehead, it’s because dating is the pits right now.
Don’t stalk people
There’ll be photos of: them and their ex, their jawline looking terrible, their vacation where they wore a T-shirt saying “Creepy Pete” or something else vile on the back.
Allow yourself to be excited
Yeah, they might not text, but if you don’t take these small moments of joy then you’ll lose your mind.
Give in to uncertainty
Maybe he is bad with his phone. Or maybe he lost interest since you went on about your urine infection. You’ll never know!
You can’t control how people feel about you, but you can control how you react to how they feel
Instead of sitting inside, biting your nails off and waiting for them to text, take a deep breath, think ‘their loss’ and go out with your friends.
Don’t send long paragraph texts
As Self Esteem said, “Just don’t.”
Women should move to men more
Even the most Neanderthal of my male friends thinks it’s attractive.
Don’t game play
It might make them like you, but eventually you have to be with each other and if that was your foundation it won’t work.
You’re setting the tone for the relationship in the beginning
Don’t help them find their phone charger, you will be enlisted in the search every time from there on out.
It should feel easy
If you feel absolutely sick without them, if you cannot eat anymore, there’s probably something toxic going on that is making you like them that much.
Never use someone else to make yourself feel better about another person
They will never compare and that will make you feel worse.
If he wants to be with you, he would have made it happen
The flame react emojis are not signs, you are not star crossed lovers, he is hungover and bored.
You just have to block them
The sooner you do it, the better.
Invite them around your friends early on
They’ll spot the red flags that you’re missing. Like, yes he does interrupt you when you’re talking.
Remember men can’t take pictures and always look better in real life
Imagination needs to be used when looking at Hinge profiles.
Widen out your type
It’s not settling, it just means you’ve come to realise that bi men with small hoop earrings who like climbing walls are actually just impossible to date.
Don’t feel bad for getting upset when you only went on a couple of dates
A lot of the time it’s the loss of hope that hurts, the future you drew in your head.
A lot of the time you aren’t upset over them, but over who you thought they were
That’s why even though it’s fun, you need to stop looking out of the bus window and fantasising about the two of you holding hands and walking around art galleries.
Get your friends to set you up with people
They probably know someone but are scared of offending you or insinuating that you need it – just ask. To be cringe is to be free.
Be careful how you refer to them around your friends, because that will become their nickname for the rest of your relationship
A comprehensive list of examples from my girlfriends: “Lawyer guy”, “Big Face”, “Big Head Small Face”, “Petrol Money”, “Big Bladder”.
When you match on an app, if you haven’t organised a date in 48 hours it’s not happening
You are not looking for a pen pal. Just ask them out!
Talk to them
Or you’ll spend the rest of your life thinking about the cute girl with the septum piercing who definitely was looking at you.
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