When Beyoncé announced her second pregnancy to the world, the organizers of Coachella were apparently caught off guard. Many speculated as to whether she’d follow through on her announced headlining performance at the festival. “Relax!” said the Hive, “she’s the Queen, she creates planets by batting her eyelashes at atoms, this is nothing.” But lo, Ron Howard’s contradictory narrator voice from Arrested Development deadpanned from the heavens and proclaimed, “they were wrong.” Bey is no longer performing at Coachella’s 2017 edition, per her doctor’s orders. She’ll make it up to the fans by appearing in 2018, but now the question remains: who will take up her headlining slot and how sorry should we feel for them? We can’t answer that last one, but here are some suggestions for the first.
Adele
Beyoncé (Live stream from Tidal HQ for subscribers only)
Blue Ivy
James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke feat. Blue Ivy
The chair Beyoncé sat on at the Grammys
Michelle
Piers Morgan’s opinions
This Jay Z impersonator
Myself + dogs
Our collective despair at the state of the world
Should be fun!
Videos by VICE
Phil is listening to “Shining” through tears. Follow him on Twitter.
