In the not too distant future, football will look much like The Apprentice. Clubs will hire 15 or so managers at the start of the season, putting each of them in charge on a week-by-week basis, giving them team tasks while pitting them against each other in an exercise that epitomises the true depths of cringing sycophancy and human avarice. When they lose, or fail to control a training-ground bust up, or get caught up in an undercover newspaper sting while drinking a pint of wine, they will be unceremoniously sacked by an ancient Alan Sugar. Every now and then, he will throw in a curveball task, like making them sell Hello Kitty phone cases to pensioners, or whatever. The main focus of future football, however, will be earning ageing businessmen a decent return.
Were Jose Mourinho to be living in this dystopian future, he’d be getting an absolute slating in the boardroom right now. Having spent almost £150m in the summer on the likes of Paul Pogba, Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Eric Bailly, not to mention the astronomical wage packet he must have blown to secure the services of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, his investment has produced mixed results at best. It’s early days but, let’s face it, football is a short-term business even now. Three consecutive losses against Manchester City, Feyenoord and Watford saw Jose put under serious pressure earlier this month and, while that has been partially offset by a convincing win over Leicester and a narrow victory over Zorya Luhansk, there are lingering worries about Manchester United’s form. Set the task of putting together the best squad in the Premier League, he’s spent a fat wodge of cash and bought the equivalent of some delicious-looking but slightly off steaks from Spitalfields Market, which he is now desperately trying to shape into a balanced, workable midfield.
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That might seem like a mixed metaphor, but it makes sense, trust us. While Ibrahimovic has settled in well at United, Mkhitaryan and human mega-investment Paul Pogba have struggled to find their feet at the club. With Pogba attracting fierce heat for his poor performances, Mourinho needs to coax out his inner superstar, and fast. Nothing says ‘disastrous managerial reign’ like an incredibly expensive transfer flop, as Mourinho’s managerial predecessor at Old Trafford can attest.
While Mourinho has a plethora of problems to solve at the moment, he can at least take solace from this weekend’s fixture. United face Stoke at home, with Mark Hughes’ men on a particularly atrocious run. When ‘Sparky’ returns to his spiritual home on Sunday, he will lead out a side that has collected two points for their first six games. That puts Manchester United’s difficulties into perspective but, then again, had Hughes been given £150m to spend this summer Stoke might well seem rather better equipped for the season ahead.
