You Don’t Have to Be White to Be a Racist

There’s no question about it, public transport is full of dicks. Which, as it often goes with anything bleak the world has to offer, pretty much means that some of those dicks will be racist.

Call me ignorant, but I was under the impression that, up till now, it was mostly white people who’d been stupid enough to get caught expressing said racist sentiments on other passenger’s smartphone cameras, but now I stand corrected. The two minutes 36 second amateur production Racist Black Woman on London Bus, which you can marvel at above, has already garnered over 17,000 views since it was published a few days ago. It chronicles one black woman’s gripes with the white race.

In a way, I think it’s a good thing that this video has surfaced – there are a lot of people who still seem to think that racism can only be directed towards non-whites, but the truth is it could happen to anyone. If you happen to have a different skin tone, race or culture from one other person on this planet, then you are a potential target for the spittle-flecked racist hordes.

I am both black and white, and both sides of me are equally outraged at this nonsense. So, as an unbiased brownie (I like to refer to myself as “mocha”), I decided to take it upon myself to present you with some choice snippets from the video.

“I’m so glad I’m black,” Crazy Racist Lady declares. Good for you, babes, there are many great things about being black! Perpetuating the loud, shouty black woman stereotype is not one of them, though.

“If you had the choice, you’d go with your people and I’d go with mine.”

The only thing is, I’m not sure “your people” would want you. She goes on to mention Freemasons and programming, which I can’t really handle repeating here because, a) I haven’t read any Dan Brown, and b) I am genuinely scared of the Illuminati. Yet, it would seem that she believes black people are immune to those pesky Freemasons. Tell that to Jay-Z.

“I was born black and I’ll die black.”

The only person I can imagine taking that as a statement of defiance was born black and died white just over three years ago.

“The only reason I was born in this country is because you fucking people brought my people here.“

Don’t get me wrong, but isn’t it kind of a generalisation to say that ALL white people’s ancestors were diabolical slave owners who cruelly ripped black people from the bosom of Mother Africa to this (…and I’m paraphrasing here, but I presume she thinks of England as a…) shithole.

She uses the word “bloodclart”. I do love patois slang; its effectiveness is ever so slightly diminished by the fact that she says fuck a grand fucking total of about 20 fucking times, lightly fucking dusted with sprinklings of “cunts” and other fucking pleasantries the world learned from the French.

“The more black I am, the happier I am.”

It’s good to identify the things that make you smile. I enjoy hula-hooping: The more I hoop, the happier I am. If you enjoy black, then pursue black. She’s wearing all black, that’s a start. The bus isn’t very black though, so maybe she should remove herself from it and stand in a tunnel, alone, in the middle of the night. Tunnels are black.

“My parents were fucking African, born in Jamaica.”

Now, I’m half-Jamaican and I thought we were a pretty easygoing people. Everyting irie and all that. She’s lost possibly all the best traits of being a daughter of this Island nation. And if we surrendered our attachments to peace, love and being chill, why would any rich, white tourist ever want to come and idle around on our beautiful, gated beach resorts? (That’s a little joke for you there.)

“Praise the Lord, hallelujah.”

The diatribe of a religious fanatic. It’s a shame when people ram their beliefs down your neck, don’t you think?

The Jubilee, the Pimm’s, the bunting, the picnics, the warm sensation of national pride… Crazy Racist Lady has a problem with all this. While the rest of the Great British public were singing along to Paul McCartney’s unofficial national anthem, Crazy Racist Lady was looking at Lizzy’s crown and thinking, “The same fucking diamond she’s got in her head, my people suffered for that!” adding eloquently “Suck your mum.” Yeah, suck your mum. That makes sense. I’ve seen (almost) half of Blood Diamond and heard the whole Kanye West song, and all that diamond stuff that happens in the film and – presumably – real life is beyond shitty.

But what’s it got to do with the people on the bus? If anything, you’d have a pop at the guy who filmed the whole embarrassing episode on his phone. Those fuckers have coltan in them.

Follow Sheree on Twitter: @shereemilli

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