Last week I complained about the horrible bra trends the fashion world has seen throughout the ages. Thankfully a lot has changed since the 90s, where we left off on our history lesson. While they’re generally more comfortable, today’s bras are pricey as hell and more extravagant than ever before. They’re also still being created and worn as seductive outerwear. Brassieres these days are now cup-less, diamond encrusted, made out of gold–hell, some of them are even solar powered so you can charge your phone on the go. The advertisements are relatively all the same; overtly slutty women with massive, heaving breasts in every shot. So instead, here’ s a look at some of the more exciting bra designs I’ve come across in the 21st century.
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The Japanese branch of this normally conventional German-based company makes the most insane lingerie in existence. Can’t stop eating? Buy the Chopstick Bra; it has a little miso soup and rice bowl cup in each tit, with eating utensils hidden in the straps. Or perhaps your problems are worse and your daughter is the town whore. You can take care of that in a pinch by getting her a Chastity Bra and throwing away the key. I guess this one is also really good for prudes.
Laura Jacobs’ lingerie is pretty out there as well. On her site she says that, “Breasts are symbols of–and vehicles for–power.” Therefore, she’s designed items that are “temples to befit them.” I think that’s a pretty nice way of putting it. Laura has made bras that resemble all kinds of weird stuff: crabs, calamari, vaginas, bacon, and even boobs.
Marlies’ underwear is a bit more normal, if you can call it that. She’s Dutch, and one of the first things that normally comes to mind when a person thinks of the Netherlands are S&M and brothels. But, while her bras are pretty racy, she’s not actually making clothing for prostitutes or dungeon maids. Instead her goal is to empower women and make them feel sexy in their skin. I actually own a lot of her stuff and for an awkward weirdo such as myself, they do make me feel pretty damn sexy, even though it takes a good 20 minutes to figure out how to put anything on. The feeling of accomplishment afterward is insurmountable though.
Victoria’s Secret has been around for ages. By the mid 90s the brand was the top lingerie company in the US, raking in over a billion dollars a year. Now they piss all that money away at the end of each year by bringing all of the most smoking hot models in the world together for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Most of the lingerie featured in the presentations cost millions of dollars, so really the whole point of the event is fantasy, as opposed to attainability. And to make men want something that doesn’t exist and women hate themselves.
A simple brand that for the most part makes your regular white, nude, and black push-ups. Now they’ve crafted an Anti-Boy Bra with a magnetic closure in the front. You’d think that would make things easier for men, but nope! The magnet is so damn tight it takes the strength of the Incredible Hulk to pull the two ends apart. It’s great for those nights when you’re just not in the mood to mess around with your boyfriend, but bad if you have to go through airport security with it on. Might also be harder to get laid, as the moment will probably pass before you’re able to get your twins out.
And last but not least, Bros! It’s a bra for men with fat titties. They come in six different colors and I must say, they’re actually kind of cool. But if I had moobs I’d probably just tape them down instead of accentuating my bosom, unless of course I paid for them to exist. Thoughts?
ANNETTE LAMOTHE-RAMOS
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