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Someone is going to swear to you that Bushwick is “blowing up,” and someone will swear that it sucks. What will happen in reality is that you will go to a loft party there and see guys in purple t-shirts wearing Dunks and drinking flat Corona, and then you’ll realize it’s a lot like every other part of Brooklyn you’ve probably visited… But if you keep your eyes open, you will discover that all the other parts of Brooklyn make up a vast, vast landscape of 9,339 different kinds of people, most of them not hipsters at all.
Go to Coney Island if the weather is nice. If you get really bummed out that the rides are all gone and condos being built, your mood will lighten considerably by strolling down the boardwalk to Brighton Beach, where obese, hirsute Russian seniors think nothing of walking around topless, chain smoking, complaining, and doing the kind of calisthenics that actually make everything worse for you.
Finally, have a drink at any local bar out in the Rockaways. It takes roughly 56 days to get there on the subway, but if you stop at the Aqueduct Race Track on the way, you’ll probably make a bunch of money and forget about the journey. Anyway, at most of the bars, the doors never shut, the breeze comes in off the ocean, and a fireman finishes his shift and gets completely wasted. More than one woman in the place is named Vicki, and somehow they all hate each other. Remember that guy Danny Pelosi? Probably not. It’s his kind of place, before he made the big time (briefly). It’s also the kind of place Lindsay Lohan’s dad probably goes to as well. A whole paragraph about this shit? Jesus. Sorry.
NOTE: The “
” means we highly recommend these joints.
AURORA
It’s got a rustic northern Italian vibe, it’s kinda pricey, it’s in Williamsburg, and real Italians eat there. The wine selection is great, and they do amazing salads—like the beet with goat cheese, and the fig and pancetta is superb, too. 70 Grand St., 718-388-5100.
BLUE RIBBON
Yes, there are a few locations in Manhattan but this one is tops. Your best bet is to sit at the bar and throw back some clams and oysters. Open late. 280 5th Ave., 718-840-0404.
CHIMU
What doesn’t this hearty, tummy-warming (thanks for rolling your eyes) Peruvian place do well? It’s cheap, many of the dishes have traditional Chinese flourishes, and the ceviche is so good it makes couples break up on the spot and rethink their lives. And the steak is a garlic-hinted wonder. 482 Union Ave., 718-349-1208.
CONVIVIUM OSTERIA
Ultra-romantic. The steak for two is pretty great, but the whole prawns might make your squeamish date cry. André Leon Talley and his coat have been known to dine in the basement wine cellar. 68 5th Ave., 718-857-1833.
DINER
At almost ten years old, Diner, part of which is tucked into an actual 1920s dining car, has endured the Williamsburg explosion and still remained a warm, excellent place for a great night. Try the steak with a goat-cheese salad and a magnum of Nebbiolo. Skip the donut holes. Everyone you know has eaten here. If they claim to be over it, you may want to question your friendship. 85 Broadway, 718-486-3077.
DRESSLER
Upscale date spot run by the DuMont people. Any dish with produce will slay you for both its freshness and its flavor. 149 Broadway, 718-384-6343.
A favorite of nearly every single person we know. Quality American food done heartily, without pretense. Try the burger or their famous mac & three-cheese with bacon. People literally get tears in their eyes when describing this. 432 Union Ave., 718-486-7717.
EGG
If you’re up before noon and breakfasting in Williamsburg, this is the place to go. 135 N. 5th St., 718-302-5151.
Frankies
FRANKIE’S 457 SPUNTINO
Our unofficial poll had this Carroll Gardens Italian place come up over 1,453 times, and one of our friends totally wants to fuck one of the guy bartenders there, so, um, oh well. The meatballs are amazing here. Oh, and their roasted-vegetable salad and their mushroom/truffle-oil crostini is too. 457 Court St., 718-403-0033.
GRAND SICHUAN
Get the Sichuan wontons in red oil. Wow! Off the beaten path a bit. 8701 5th Ave., 718-680-8887.
IKEA
Before you whine about how these cheap furniture-making Swedes ruined Red Hook by offering 621 different kinds of bookshelves and credenzas, try their cheap meatballs and lingonberries while enjoying the view of the Statue of Liberty across the bay. Tip: There’s a free ferry from lower Manhattan, which is actually a good way to explore all of Red Hook—like Sunny’s Bar—where virtually zero subways visit. 1 Beard St., 718-246-4532.
LOCANDA VINI E OLLI
This Clinton Hill Italian spot makes its home in an old drugstore, which makes sense because the ricotta ravioli is like a big cheesy antidepressant. 129 Gates Ave., 718-622-9202.
LOMZYNIANKA
Get the Polish platter. At $5.50, it’s a true bargain. Pierogi, kielbasa, and stuffed cabbage. In Greenpoint. 646 Manhattan Ave., 718-389-9439.
MARLOW & SONS
Try grass-fed schnitzel over the spaetzle, with market salad and oysters. 81 Broadway, 718-384-1441.
MOTO
Try the chicken. Bookend with tomato soup and fried donuts. 394 Broadway, 718-599-6895.
PACIFICO
Chile relleno, cheap, in Boerum Hill. 269 Pacific St., 718-935-9090.
PALO SANTO
The unlisted tasting menu here is the best in the city, and a steal at $55. Don’t tell anyone, but it’s just as badass as Ko. 652 Union St., 718-636-6311.
PETER LUGER
This is like Harvard-meets-Disneyland-meets-the-Vatican-meets-Lambeau-Field-meets-Tahiti, for people who love steak. 178 Broadway, 718-387-7400.
PETER PAN
Best donuts in Brooklyn. Located in Greenpoint. 727 Manhattan Ave., 718-389-3676.
QUERCY
Total sleeper, but a gem. Super French fare, and a great brunch where you can get your foie on in two ways—seared or in one of the biggest terrines ever, and it’s only like $16. Do it. 242 Court St., 718-243-2151.
SANTA FE GRILL
If you’re missing those kind of airport/mall-feeling restaurants where 36-year-old men with gunts and roomy business suits go for something “spicy,” a stop at this Park Slope restaurant is mandatory. 62 7th Ave., 718-636-0279.
SILENT H
We like this place even though the bánh mì’s are on Polish bread instead of a baguette. The price is right for dinner entrees and the shrimp toast is just lovely. 79 Berry St., 718-218-7063
S&B
Awesome, cheap Polish place right on Bedford, where you’re bound to be at least 43 percent of the time. Try the chicken cutlet, broccoli, and rice if you’re longing for a home-cooked meal. 194 Bedford Ave., 718-963-1536.
SWEETWATER
Slightly fancy American-style homecookin’ in the heart of the ‘Burg. 105 N. 6th St., 718-963-0608.
TARO SUSHI
The best sushi in Brooklyn and a spot that would be three times as pricey if it was across the river. Only order off the daily menu and definitely get the ankimo (monkfish liver). If you’re feeling peckish, ask for the pig tripe stew. It’s a curveball, but good. 446 Dean St., 718-398-0872.
YEMEN CAFÉ
Wonderful and cheap Middle Eastern cuisine. It’s a place to go with a group. Try the lamb fatah. 176 Atlantic Ave., 718-834-9533.
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