If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.
It’s a trope we’ve all seen a million times in pop culture. We’ve listened to hundreds of sad songs about it. And, we’ve probably used “the line” at one point or another: “Let’s stay friends, okay?”.
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The idea of being “friends” with an ex after a break-up is complex. You’ve likely experienced amazing, life-changing memories and intimacy with this person, so naturally, there’s a temptation to keep them in your life. You might be part of the same friendship circle so avoiding them could potentially mean isolating yourself. You might be saying it as a way to subdue any feelings of seething anger for the time being. The promise of friendship, no matter how shallow, could simply numb the pain for a little while.
On the other hand, the suggestion to “stay friends” might not be healthy at all if the relationship was toxic. It could lead to crossed boundaries or just be a flimsy excuse to hook up again down the track, which could lead to a more confusion and emotional rollercoasters.
A 2017 study revealed that people choose to stay friends with their exes for four reasons: security, practicality, civility and unresolved romantic desires. Unsurprisingly, the study found that staying friends with an ex for either practicality or security was likely to have positive outcomes. Like any relationship in life, friendships that are born out of mutual respect and a want to be there for one another through tough times are (mostly) going to be more sincere.
On top of this, other factors can impact why or how your relationship with an ex pans out. A 2002 study showed that members of the queer community often retain higher levels of interpersonal contact with exes and are more satisfied with the friendship than members of the straight community. On the other hand, a 2010 study revealed that romantic love shares multiple overlapping characteristics with addiction, so withdrawals can lead to mood swings, craving, obsession, compulsion, distortion of reality, emotional dependence, personality changes, risk-taking, and loss of self-control – which aren’t the best feelings to bring into a friendship of any kind.
So if there are so many different factors at play, how do you even begin to decide where to take things? Here’s how different young people have approached staying friends with an ex.
Henry*:
How long was the relationship?
We were together for four years. I also had an eight-month relationship end where we didn’t end up chatting again for four years.
Why did you decide to stay friends? Are you still friends now?
The first one we decided to stay friends because we were in the same group of friends. I think we quickly learned that the level of closeness really had to be pulled back for a time. So our friendship shifted to the outer circle rather than the inner circle.
With the eight-month relationship, when we eventually reconnected, I think we both realised there was only a friendship left and no romance was there.
But in saying all that, there are absolutely exes you can’t and shouldn’t be friends with. If the relationship was toxic, let it die in all aspects and move on.
Do you think it was healthy or unhealthy to stay friends?
I think it’s healthy to stay friends if that’s actually what you want out of it. But if one of you still deep down wants a relationship then you need to leave it until that feeling passes. The main thing I would say is you probably can’t be friends straight after you break-up. You have to become separate people first, and you need to become equals again.
What boundaries does your friendship with your ex have?
I think the same boundaries as any normal friendship. But I do think there is a closeness and trust that you share with them. Which makes it easy to be open and real with them without crossing any boundaries.
Has your current or other partners felt uncomfortable with your friendship with your ex?
My other partners haven’t minded because both these relationships are from ages ago and I’ve been open about the past and also encouraged them to meet because we are friends.
Alex*:
How long was the relationship?
We were together for three months.
Why did you decide to stay friends? Are you still friends now?
We decided it was better to be friends but actually committed to it! We are still very close friends to this day.
Do you think it was healthy or unhealthy to stay friends?
It was very healthy for us to stay friends. He knew all of my friends and they loved him, so it was wholesome for everyone to still be in touch. Now he’s still in all of the group chats and it’s great. Was definitely better for us to be friends.
What boundaries does your friendship with your ex have?
We didn’t have boundaries but we definitely took it slow at first. No talking about new partners while it was fresh. That faded away pretty quickly because the key to a normal friendship is sharing stuff about dating! You have to get used to it!
Has your current or other partners felt uncomfortable with your friendship with your ex?
My current partner absolutely loves my ex. They hang out all the time on their own. It’s so lovely to see. The best part is how they can make jokes about what it’s like to date me, it’s so funny.
Sam*:
How long was the relationship?
Just over three years.
Why did you decide to stay friends? Are you still friends now?
It just made sense for us – we knew our futures didn’t align but at the same time we had so many great years and memories together that it didn’t make sense to just stop being mates. He is one of my best friends. We both love each other but it’s entirely platonic.
Do you think it was healthy or unhealthy to stay friends?
For us, it’s healthy – mostly because we know where we stand. I think it would be unhealthy if someone still had romantic feelings but that’s not the case with us. Also, we’ve both gone through mental health issues and supported each other throughout the years. Whenever I feel down he is the first person I call and likewise. We just know each other too well, we understand each other and know how to be there for one another and I feel 100% comfortable to ugly cry around him.
What boundaries does your friendship with your ex have?
I mean, we’ve never really discussed that. I think we just know our boundaries.
Has your current or other partners felt uncomfortable with your friendship with your ex?
I tend to tell my current or other partners quite early on in the relationship. Some people in the past have felt uncomfortable and others not so much. I think it depends on the person and their insecurities. My current BF actually works with another one of my exes.
To be fair I’m friends with a couple of “exes”. My thinking is if nothing bad happened and it ended because things didn’t work out romantically/intimately then why does the friendship have to end? You’ve still shared moments, learnings and obviously enjoy their company. So long as it’s not because you still have feelings, want them back, or still think there’s a chance together – ‘cause in my opinion, that’s just going to get messy.
At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best and healthiest for you. Getting out of a relationship can be lonely, but leaning on your friends and family for advice and support is one of the best ways to cope. If being friends feels right in your gut, consider pursuing it respectfully. But if it doesn’t align with your values and safety, make the steps to maintain distance.
