“I once had an ex-boyfriend who was addicted to gambling,” Katy, whose name has been changed for privacy reasons, tells VICE. “We were having sex doggy style and he started going really slow, for ages. I looked around and he was on his phone, checking his bets.”
Understandably, this was a bit of a mood killer. As Katy puts it, “You can see why we broke up.” But, while Katy’s ex-boyfriend’s bedroom behaviour might have been the final straw for their relationship, he’s not alone. New research indicates up to one in five people check their phone during sex.
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“People are now struggling to distinguish how to function without their smartphone in every aspect of their life – even in the bedroom,” Sarah McConomy told the New York Post. McConomy is the COO of SellCell and author of a study on the adverse effects phone fixation can have on relationships. “People are willing to check their phones when having sex as they have lost the ability to switch off from their mobile phone,” she explained. “People check their phones around 100 times a day and have a deeper intimacy with their phones than with their partner.”
Maybe you’re thinking this is all quite extreme, and also a little on the vague side. Looking at SellCell’s data, some questions do spring to mind. Firstly, there’s a gender gap to consider. While 17 percent of women admitted that they have (or would) check their phone during lovemaking, only seven percent of men said the same. Is this a damning indictment on women’s attention spans, or on the unsatisfying sex they’re having?
Also, what does “during” sex mean anyway? Surely there’s a difference between glancing at an incoming notification during an extended foreplay session, versus doom scrolling while thrusting, literally behind your partner’s back like Katy’s ex? And what if you were expecting some important news or had a family emergency, like Laura Linney in Love Actually, reaching over to answer her unwell brother’s call while the impossibly handsome man of her dreams sits in his pants at the end of the bed looking forlorn. Are these stories amping up the stats? Is the road to hell paved with good intentions?
Well, it’s hard to say for sure because – perhaps unsurprisingly – I couldn’t find anyone who would admit that they themselves had prioritised an Instagram dive over an orgasm. They were much more keen to dob in their partners and exes. “My husband checked a family WhatsApp chat that went off during [sex],” says Sarah, who is also speaking to VICE anonymously. “He said he wanted to make sure everything was okay, since it could’ve been from or about his mom.” But she’s sceptical: “There is no way, if there was an emergency, they would use a group chat instead of calling him directly.” And that’s before you consider that he now had his mom in the back of his mind as they resumed. Surprise surprise, Sarah says the interruption “definitely killed the mood.”
A couple of my interviewees skirt around the topic – “I don’t know if it counts as ‘checking it’, but I did once have to go on my phone to change the music,” said one, “Sigur Rós came on shuffle and it sounded like procreation. Like, it felt like a fertility ritual.” Others take my prying personal questions as a tacit compliment. “The fact I’ve never done this makes me feel so much better about my phone addiction,” another tells me.
But I’m afraid they might not be completely off the hook, because behind that bold “one in five people” stat, the SellCell report paints a bigger, and more troubling picture: 71 percent of people said they spent more time on their phone each day than they do with their partner. Even more worryingly, 54 percent of surveyed smartphone users would prefer to spend time with their device than their partner. The singletons out there weren’t any better: The study found 75 percent of smartphone users will spend up to 30 minutes on their smartphone during a romantic date. Basically, it seems love, sex and romance are all coming up short in comparison to the bliss of an endless scroll (even if people won’t jump to admit it).
Bayu Prihandito, certified psychology consultant and life coach specialising in relationships, says there is a difference between being distracted by your phone, even in intimate moments, and having a full blown phone addiction. “In my experience, phone addiction is not just about using your phone a little too much,” he says, “it’s about how it rewires our need for instant gratification and the constant need to be connected.” But this doesn’t mean phone fixation and compulsive behaviour around your device isn’t a problem too. “When individuals compulsively check their phones, it indicates a deeper issue of dependency and a disrespect of their partner’s private space,” says Prihandito.
“This behaviour shows a complete inability to be present and fully engaged with their partner.” Even if it only happens one time, such behaviour can lead to a significant emotional disconnect, “as it sends a message the phone is prioritised over this shared moment,” he adds. “It’s a clear reminder of how our digital distractions can quickly erode the quality of our most significant and precious human connections.” So what can the phone-addled amongst us do, before we get to the point of putting our fantasy football teams above foreplay?
Charlotte Armitage – a psychologist, psychotherapist and the founder of No Phones at Home – says the first thing she recommends is that people look at why they might be struggling to connect in a supposedly “intimate” moment. “Is there something about the situation or the person they are not comfortable with? Any addiction is hiding a deeper psychological problem that needs to be addressed, such as attachment difficulties,” she suggests. Like Prihandito, she stresses how damaging these issues can be if left unchecked. “As with many addictive behaviours those around you can feel the impact really heavily, and a partner’s self esteem and confidence can be affected if you are checking your phone during sex and intimate moments,” she says. From a practical perspective then, people should ideally leave their phones outside the bedroom. “If you feel unable to do this, turn the phone on silent and have it face down so you aren’t distracted and disturbed by the notifications,” she advises.
Away from the bedroom, there are also other ways people can try to curb their phone usage, if they feel like it’s becoming more important to them than their other half. Rachel Taylor, a neuropsychologist, suggests setting screen time limits. “Don’t set yourself up to fail, so reduce by around 20 minutes per day until you are using your phone minimally,” she says.
Ultimately though, Taylor says it’s crucial to get to grips with why our phones are so addictive. “We really need to understand that the virtual world has been created to nudge people in the direction that the apps and websites want them to go in,” she says. Apps are designed to make you want to look at them all the time, but this can be detrimental to our brains, and our emotions. “It’s good for the brain to be bored – we need to learn how to be bored again, instead of seeking instant gratification and distraction,” she says.
Basically, if you get the urge to check your phone while your partner lavishes you with attention, just think: That’s exactly what Zuckerberg and Musk want you to do. And I’m not convinced those guys have your sexual and emotional welfare in mind. So, perhaps it’s best to let sleeping phones lie.
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