Hey, kids! Yesterday was the first day of spring (it snowed heavily on the East Coast, naturally) but today is a much, much more important day: National Corn Dog Day.
Yes, March 21 is the official day of recognition and appreciation for beef and pork by-products ground into a paste, stuffed into a phallic tube, impaled on a stick, and then coated with a thick layer of glorified pancake batter. According to the “holiday’s” “official website,” “The lore of ancient eras is filled with tales of corn dogs and their mystical powers and use in combat. CORNDOG IN THOU FACE could be heard throughout the land.”
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So, how to celebrate this festival of cellulite acquisition and ever-rising blood pressure? By stuffing your maw with corn dogs (duh) and by diving headfirst into a massive vat of macerated hog faces and swampy cornmeal. I’m referring, of course, to the world of YouTube.
First, let’s take a trip to a corn dog factory and see how our favorite food is made!
Wow, that’s so weird. I really thought that it was just this one guy, hand-dipping individual German sausages into an above-ground swimming pool full of imported polenta. Well, I guess you learn new things every day.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if some “rockers” that looked like a hobo clown Poison cover band and sounded like a male version of The Shaggs recorded a “sexy” song about corn dogs? Great news: Meet “Baby Wants a Corndog” by the Barbarellatones.
Apologies to anyone reading this whose deadbeat dad is in the Barbarellatones. When are they gonna bring back Rock of Love, anyway? And when they do, will it now have a corn dog-eating contest?
Oh look—here’s a movie with a talking corn dog. Wow, more than 3.5 million views! This must be a really powerful Kafka-esque film about existentialism through the lens of that which is eaten but cannot eat.
If you like googly eyes, swearing, and human mouths digitally transposed onto inanimate objects, you are gonna love Corndog from FND Films. That’s for sure. Commenters say that this is a “classic old school YouTube video,” so it must just be one of those things that I’ve been hearing in passing inside jokes for several years and have never known what people are talking about.
Looking for a little more drama? Get a load of this action-packed clip wherein corn dog becomes deadly weapon.
We were biting our nails about whether he was going to “GET ON THE GROUND, NOW,” with all of those terrifying corn dogs pointed at him. But sadly, this edition of “SET IT OFF” comes to a tragic end.
Wait. Sorry, have to change gears immediately because do you live in San Diego? If so, will you please, for the love of God, adopt this three-month-old puppy named Corn Dog that was dubbed with that moniker because it ate a corn dog and then had to get the six-inch wooden stick removed from its stomach? This video wins the Cutest Corn Dog on the Net award. I thought that corn dog with googly eyes on it was adorable until I saw this little fucker.
And to finish things off, if you’re one of those Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response junkies who gets quivers in their drawers from listening to people whisper and chew on potato chips, you’ve probably been on the edge of your seat this whole time wondering whether The Video Fairy has something for you. And we do. For you sweet little creeps, there is this OMG so erotic vid of a girl in a peasant top eating a corn dog. Prepare your box of Kleenex, because here comes that inimitable sound of pulpy meat and bread swishing around in a person’s mouth.
Now go hit the nearest carnival and get in the holiday spirit, already.
