Dating is one of those things that most people grow up thinking is one of the must-have parts of a normal life, as everything in music and cinema and general society told us that we’re a failure if we don’t end up with somebody.
The love, marriage and babies thing might already feel a bit old school, given that divorce rates skyrocket every year and the western-centric “nuclear family” of the 1950s and 60s is dying a slow death – but the love part still has most of us in its grips.
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The idea that a romantic relationship is a be-all end-all can breed a subconscious need to be dating someone all the time, as if a person without a partner is somehow missing out, or is less fulfilled, than everyone else. And this desperation can sometimes lead you to date people who aren’t actually that great, or just not that great for you.
Without causing your whole world to crash down on you, it can be good to have a proper think about why you’re with someone. You’d think it should be an easy question-and-answer, Do I like them? Yes. Done. But people are messy and fickle and sometimes motivated by mildly problematic shit that we’re not being 100% honest about.
If you’re feeling off, or are frequently unhappy in your relationship, but aren’t quite sure of why, here are some questions that might be worth asking yourself.
WHY ARE YOU THERE?
Personal Gain
The big question here is: are you dating them because you get something out of it?
There are lots of surface level reasons someone might catch your eye. It could be their wealth, their popularity or their success, and sometimes those reasons can feel like your lucky chance if they have something you don’t. It might be that they can give you something, like a new group of friends, or buying you gifts you couldn’t afford yourself, or it might come down to something less tangible like their image. But the question is: do you like them as a person or do you like what they bring to your life?
We’ll say this first: It isn’t overtly terrible to like surface-level qualities, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is a bad one if your partner is ticking those boxes. You’re not shallow if you end up agreeing that you do prioritise someone’s looks or popularity.
A lot of us are drawn to these qualities; to what someone gives to us or does for our life, but if you’re really honest with yourself you can recognise when your attachment to those things is becoming unhealthy.
What do you really worry about losing? Drinking every weekend with your partner’s friends? Missing out on bougie holidays to their family’s bach? If these are the main things that spring to mind when you think about what would happen if you weren’t together, consider if you’re really valuing them for who they are.
They deserve to be with someone who values them for real, and so do you.
Loneliness
If ending up alone is a big fear of yours, it’s time to be honest with yourself about whether that’s influencing your choice to stay with someone.
No one wants to be lonely, and companionship is something almost all of us need – but bad companionship, like relationships where you aren’t really understood or supported, can be even more isolating and lonely than actually being alone.
Love and relationships aren’t a promise, so why would you fixate on them? Being lonely isn’t a wound you can just patch up with other people.
The only real way to heal from loneliness, in the long run, is to get comfortable with being alone. Spending your life as an independent person isn’t the horrifying fate capitalism wants you to believe it is – it’s just as fulfilling and empowering as any good relationship, so don’t stay in a relationship for fear of being on your own.
Sex
There are things that you get out of an intimate and romantic relationship that you won’t get in a friendship or familial relationship – one of the obvious ones being sex (keeping in mind that not everyone in relationships has sex and not everyone having sex has to be in a relationship).
If you’re doing it right, sex is great. But it’s also just another part of life, like food, exercise, art, and anything else, and not some crazy special thing you’re gonna go crazy about if you’re not getting.
If you place too much value on it, to the point where you consider it more important than the emotional intimacy you can get from friends and family, you’re setting yourself up to feel like shit if/ when you lose it.
Don’t undervalue all the love, support and joy you get from the other places and people in your life by convincing yourself that sex is the most meaningful part of a relationship.
Commitment
This one applies if you’re a little further along in a relationship with someone – but ask yourself, are you really there because you’re happy, or just staying with someone because you feel you’re in too deep?
Maybe you’ve been with someone for 4 or 5 years already, and worry that if you ended it you’ve just wasted all that time. Well guess what? That time never gets any shorter.
The longer you stay with someone, the more likely that your lives will overlap. It can be through mingling friends, joining finances, your families getting close, shared flats etc. And all of that can feel really daunting to untangle.
But if you’re not happy, it’s gonna be worth putting in the work to untangle it (check out this article for some specific tips on parting ways with an ex)
You’re never in too deep.
The Professional Opinion:
So with all those reasons not to date someone, what should you be looking for?
VICE consulted Psychologist Heath Hutton, who shared that the most important traits to seek out in a healthy relationship are shared values, balance and mutual support.
Knowing that your core values align can stop ugly divisions from coming up in the future, and is one of the most important things to look for in a partner. You don’t need to be the same person, but you want to be on the same page when it comes to what you care about.
Balance really comes down to making equal compromises. Relationships aren’t without sacrifice (although you shouldn’t be giving up your own goals and needs for a relationship), but those sacrifices should be made on all sides and not always fall to one person to give in.
Finally, a healthy relationship comes down to support. It can be pretty noticeable when someone isn’t making you feel supported, but also ask yourself, are you really there to support them? In a healthy relationship, you both gain things from each other, but this should always come with love and support. You should want the both of you to be happy, so be real with yourself about whether they’re uplifting you and you’re uplifting them.
It’s scary and weird and shit to end a relationship, but if you weren’t in it for the right reasons then you’re doing everyone a favour. Buckle up, start asking those big ‘whys’, and take it from us that you won’t regret being honest.
Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.
LoveBetter Youthline support channels:
Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz
Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234
https://check.areyouok.org.nz/
Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.
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