Today, the Atlanta Falcons, America’s team, announced that their new stadium will house the world’s largest bird statue. This is a great day for people like myself, who love birds and hubris in equal measure.
There is, truly, only one way this could get better: if every NFL team that employed birds as mascots hiked up their pants and did something to challenge the Falcons’ hegemony. We deserve—the world deserves—a NFL giant-bird-statue arms race. To try and get everyone’s minds working, I have created a few mock-ups to carve a path to this glorious new future. Because, hey, if taxpayers have to pay out the ass for these monstrosities that host, like, 20 events a year, they should at least exalt in the glory of the bird and the human pursuit of the sky and stars, right?
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The Ravens, for instance. They have a boring stadium and team in a city that celebrates Edgar Allen Poe. The world’s largest Raven statue, on the sidelines, lighting up Marlins-style and screeching “NEVERMORE!” whenever there’s a touchdown or a big sack? An improvement on every possible level!
Original photo by Brian Uhreen
Walking into the stadium of the Seahawks (and also the sad-ass ring-less Sounders—go Timbahs) can be a surprisingly moving experience. You walk down stairs, across a giant parking lot, and the whole mass of the thing just imposes onto you. But imagine how spectacular it could be if, perched on that tower, there was a GIANT WOODEN SEAHAWK, barreling down on everyone. The World’s Largest Wooden Bird, quite a sight to behold—tremble at its talons!
Original photo by Doug Kerr/CC BY-SA 2.0
The Eagles don’t even need to build a new statue to get in the game! Just a few modifications to some old piece of shit about the USFL and you’re soaring high with the best of them, baby!
Photo by Ken Lund/CC BY-SA 2.0
The Cardinals are already halfway there with the big guy here, chilling out on the west entrance to their for-profit-college stadium. Just work in a third dimension, and you got yourself a QUALITY giant bird sculpture!
(It would look like this.)
Sooner or later, even teams that don’t have majestic birds as their representatives will want in on the act. The Giants, fresh off a 2017 Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots, will be driven mad with statue-lust and construct a giant Giant-Statue monstrosity that stands over the stadium they share with the Jets.
Their less dignified roommates will balk at the statue at first—until they are added to the very top, circling the (Eli Manning-esque) dome of the king of statues, somewhere high in the clouds:
Sooner or later, the Patriots, fancying themselves a cutting-edge franchise, will have to get in the game with this statue of a great Patriot:
Original hoto by Joe Bar/CC BY 2.0
What, you don’t think Colin Kaepernick is a true patriot? Maybe you need to sit down and learn something about free speech and dissent in this country. I’m sorry we don’t live in the police state of your Trumpian fever dreams, you scumbag. Please close this article now.
