Everyone I Know Wants To Fuck Josh Homme

Photo by Rama

When Queens of the Stone Age recently re-emerged from a six-year hiatus with new album …Like Clockwork, everyone around me reacted like Ian Watkins at a Mothercare summer sale. Somehow, despite looking literally nothing like Ryan Gosling, George Clooney or any other accepted sex object, ginger giant Josh Homme seems to inspire flustered brow-sweats and full on thigh-rubbing lewdness. It’s as though, for some unknown reason, the Californian rock behemoth suddenly provides a license for normally mild-mannered indie fans to throw all their pleasantries away and go thrusting, yelling come-ons like the living embodiment of the Daily Sport comment & opinion page.

In the name of science, I thought I’d try and put a list together of exactly why it is that all my friends turn into Ron Jeremy the second you mention Mr Homme (who’s surname even means “man” – I mean, come on.) In the absence of any actual real evidence, I asked Facebook and Twitter (totes scientific) and then put together an arbitrary list of musings whilst trying to ignore the raging boner that writing this piece has led to. Oh Josh, you cad…

Acceptable Brutishness

I make no bones about running in pretty liberal circles and, whilst I’m certainly no Laurie Penny, it’s fair to say that pretty much everyone I know ain’t down with gender stereotyping, even for lulz. Yet, with Hommey, all those normal values seem to have gone out the window. One respected fem-savvy journalist I know lustfully described him as a pretty thug, despite at no point in our friendship ever having professed a desire to sleep with anyone else that looks like they might beat her up. Another declared that “He looks like a farm hand who could pick you up, carry you home and ravage you. He’s at least 461% man.”

Hips

Like Shakira, Josh’s hips don’t lie and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from forcing people to have sexy mid-afternoon discussions on the internet (give me a break, I’m freelance) it’s that the ladies love a little bit of swivel-action. Maybe it’s because most 6ft5” men are more Frankenstein than twinkle toes. Maybe it’s because he’s the only person ever to grace the stage at Download whose idea of dancing doesn’t involve hitting people in the face. Or maybe it’s just because hips = sex. But whatever it is, this video sums it up:

The ‘Ginger Elvis’ tag

Obviously with his newly-shaven crop, our man Josh is now more a Ginger Bruce Willis than anything. But back in the day the singer’s signature quiff was repping it for carrot tops across the land. Other sartorial plus points noted also include hand tats and cowboy shirts. A combination that should equal the kind of back-yard yokel that Paris and Nicole used to hook up with on The Simple Life, but that actually leads you to a #2 album and a wave of oestrogen following your every move.

Oh yeah, and the music or something

When Homme and co did a cover of Robin Thicke’s rapey chart smash ‘Blurred Lines’, there were no complaints – despite an added verse depicting him pretty unsubtly as “the king and queen of copulation”. Add that into a whole canon of tracks in which Homme “sucks” and “licks” and puts it about all over the shop and you’ve basically got 50 Shades of Ginge.

There’s probably a million other reasons why Homme and co have kept their sexy crown for years now, but hey! That’s the problem with science. It’s just all so subjective, isn’t it? Anyway, excuse me while I lay down a towel.