Ocean Beach, Photo: Sandy Kim

OUTSIDE

Say what you will about San Francisco: The girls aren’t that hot, the weather blows, and it’s too expensive. But it’s hands-down the most beautiful city in the US. If you don’t believe that, then you’ve never been here, and when you do get here, a simple stroll around town will convince you. As far as views are concerned, take a jaunt over to Crissy Field outside the Marina District and walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s only two miles long, and if you’re lucky you might just see someone jump off. Another amazing view is from Twin Peaks, which looks directly down Market Street all the way to the Ferry Building. Go to the top of Bernal Hill, which is unlike any of the other spots because it looks at the city from the south going north. Be careful of the dogshit, though! Lastly, try to make your way over to Land’s End, which is the westernmost point in the continental United States. The view is spectacular, and if you can get a joint lit, it’s probably the best place to smoke one in the city. There are a bunch of parks and beaches here too, but we’re going to note the ones where you can get away with the most shit.

Alamo Square – This one only gets a nod for its role in Full House. If you want to see the painted ladies, which are the six houses on Steiner between Hayes and Grove where Uncle Jesse lived, then hit up this park. You can take a nice photo of the houses with Downtown as the backdrop.

Baker/China Beach – It’s on the picturesque side of the bay and almost heavenly on certain occasions. Tons of nudists flock here when the sun is right, but don’t get too excited—it’s mostly old gays shirt-cocking.

Dolores Park – Situated between 18th and 20th streets in the Mission, it’s a marvel in itself. It is unofficially divided into four quadrants; the Latin American Soccer Annex, Hipster Beach, the Family Nook, and the Man Shelf. On the northwestern side of the park, we have the LASC, where Mexican and El Salvadoran men play soccer almost daily. You can identify its location by the lack of grass. Hipster Beach is also on the north end, but to the east, and is where lots of people meet on sunny days to get hammered and smoke weed. Cops turn a blind eye to rampant alcohol consumption on the beach. It’s probably one of the better places to people-watch and is packed whenever the weather is favorable. The Family Nook lies to the south and is just what it sounds like. People do drink on that side but not with the same level of blatant disregard that they do on the HB. The Man Shelf, on the southwest hill of the park, is where Castro’s finest sunbathe. Prepare yourself for many a mankini.

Golden Gate Bridge, Photo: Sandy Kim

Golden Gate Park – Starts at Stanyan Street and runs about 50 blocks west, all the way to the beach. The park is an entirely man-made structure. Every tree was planted by the city, but it looks like a goddamn jungle. Check out the de Young Museum and the Bison Fields. It’s impossible to summarize the park, so just walk in and you’ll find a good time. Also, pack a sweatshirt because it’s the first place the fog rolls over.

Ocean Beach – It basically spans the entire western perimeter of SF. Weather permitting, it can be very beautiful and if surfing is in your blood, try paddling out, ’cause it’s no fucking joke.

EVENTS

Alemany Flea Market – If you’re looking for something to do that is consistently interesting, check out the Alemany Flea Market. There’s a stupid amount of cheap antiques, an affordable farmers’ market, and you can get all these cool city relics from MUNI. Watch out, though, because the vendors are true gypsies. 100 Alemany Blvd., every Sunday.

Bay to Breakers – A seven-mile footrace from the Embarcadero to the beach. It’s a lot more fun than it sounds. People enter large floats with kegs strapped to them. By the second mile, there are about 60,000 drunken people stampeding through the city. Third Sunday in May.

Folsom Street Fair, Photo: Sandy Kim

Folsom Street Fair – There are 75- year-old assless-chap-wearing men wiggling their way up and down Folsom accompanied by bondage freaks and public sex acts. Need we say more? It’s reportedly the world’s largest bondage and leather event. Last weekend in September.

Haight Street Faire – You can depend on an inebriated mess at this gig. Music blares from every apartment between Masonic and Shrader. The city has tried to rein in the madness of this event but they have failed miserably every year. Second weekend in June.

Love Fest – This is such a weird event. Tons of kids who missed the 90s rave boat trying to recapture the spirit by dressing in awful neon stripes. It’s a big parade with DJs blaring shitty beats over one another. Your standard greased-up naked guys show up to wank off on the crowd of passersby. Fistfuls of drugs are consumed, and if you can’t get your hands on any then you probably shouldn’t be there. Early October.

Pride – Gay Pride, as you might assume, is insane here. Picture 80,000 gay guys partying from Friday to Sunday without a minute to breathe. Intense! Dykes on Bikes on Pink Saturday are a huge crew of lesbians riding Harleys from the Castro through the Mission. A sight to be seen. Last weekend in June.

Union Street Fair, North Beach Jazz Festival, How Weird, and Carnivale – San Francisco is almost criminally negligent in allowing all these street fairs to go off with a blind eye to public intoxication and the freedom to imbibe on the street. The people who attend these events can be fairly obnoxious, and because of this, there is always a fair amount of publicity in the media, exclaiming that there is zero tolerance on public consumption. If day-drinking in the street is your thing, look these festivals up. They all happen during the summer, and if you play your cards right you can find a good time. Good luck.

Urban Ore – Open seven days a week till 7. You can find almost anything here. If you’re an artist looking to do a series on toilet bowls, they have like 50. If you want to refurnish your apartment with some used furniture, it’s the best and cheapest place to do so. If you want to spend some money, just walk in and you’ll get the job done. 900 Murray St.