Everything I’ve Learned About Sex

All illustrations by Nick Gazin

Sex. It’s important. So important, in fact, that it’s not only the title of this piece, it’s also the very first word. At this point you may be wondering if “sex” is also the last word of this piece. Go ahead! Skip to the end and find out! OK, happy now? Good. Let’s begin.

Sex. What the heck is it? Generally speaking, sex—shorthand for “sexual intercourse”—is the insertion and thrusting of a male’s penis into a female’s vagina for the purposes of reproduction and/or pleasure. Pretty erotic definition, huh? That’s from Wikipedia, and needless to say I got so worked up reading it I almost “WikiLeaked” in my pants!

But that’s not all sex is these days—nay, not by a long shot. In fact, the bedroom antics of a modern sex-haver in Obama’s “anything goes” America is enough to make a Juggalo blush. And that’s why I put together the following compendium of carnal knowledge—to help you, the reader, navigate the topsy-turvy landscape of today’s dynamic fuckvironment.

Anal Sex
Anal sex is intercourse via the anus. Its popularity skyrocketed recently when scientists announced a woman is up to 50 percent less likely to conceive a child when getting ass-rammed than when having her pussy plowed. Anal is also the preferred method of intercourse among gay men. And understandably so—I mean, have you tried stuffing your entire cock into another man’s pee-hole?!? To quote ET: “OUCH!”

Ass-Eating
This disgusting act seems to be all the rage among millennials. I’m surprised they even have time to stick a tongue up a butthole what with all the time spent on selfies, memes, Snapchats, and Netflix. Heck, millennials think Girls is a good television program—is it really surprising they also enjoy the taste of shit? (Totally JK, to the two Girls writers who follow me on Twitter.)

Blowjobs
These are those things hack stand up comics complain about their wives not doing anymore during their “marriage is lame” chunks. Truth is, getting a BJ feels pretty darn good—but hearing someone refer to it as a “blowie” is almost enough to make you lose your boner.

Boners
The thing hearing someone say “blowie” is almost enough to make you lose.

Cheating
Remember: there’s no such thing as cheating. If your partner catches you in the act, just come up with a clever excuse, like you were “masturbating with my secretary’s vagina lips” or “using the pool guy’s dick as a dildo” or “cream-peeing some white urine into our son’s third grade teacher’s mouth-toilet.”

Dildo
An object shaped like a penis used for sexual simulation. Named for when Lucrecia Stansbury, a noted baker in the 1800s, discovered it felt awesome to stuff a tube of the raw dough she used to bake her famous dill bread (her “dill dough,” if you will) into her cooch.

Double-Ended Dildo
The opposite of a double-beginninged dildo. By the way, if that scene at the end of Requiem For a Dream doesn’t get you at least a little horny, you’re less twisted than me, friend.

Eating Pussy
The technical term for this is cunnilingus. And that hilarious joke where you say you’re a “cunning linguist” never gets old—so keep on saying it, Lars Ulrich!

Fingerblasting
The sex product market has exploded (no pun intended) recently with innovative new devices designed to blast vaginas, but most sex-havers agree: the original is still the best. That’s right, the ol’ tried-and-true—the finger—remains the go-to vag-blasting tool among die-hard blasters and blastees. Notably, the finger also continues its dominance in the field of booger extraction.

Fisting
Ever felt an overwhelming desire to punch your enemy as hard as you can, square in the colon? Well, be warned: If she’s a fan of this fucked up freaky shit, she may actually enjoy your journey getting up in there!

Giraffes
All I know is I wouldn’t waste all day eating leaves if my neck was so long I could suck my own dick.

Handjobs
Too lazy to jack yourself off? Pay a stripper to do it for ya, King Henry VIII!

Happy Ending
When a masseuse sexually manipulates a man’s penis to completion at the end of a massage. Not to be confused with a “sad ending,” where the masseuse pours semen into his dickhole.

Huge Penis-Haver Magazine
Fellas, always carry a copy of this fake magazine I just made up around so you can pretend to read it if an attractive woman sits across from you on the subway.

Jizz Rag
That Obama shirt MoveOn.org sent you back in ’08, probably.

Kama Sutra
That book no one has ever read in your stoner fuck-buddy’s bedside lube drawer. Maybe replace those corny illustrations with some Aishwarya Rai nude action pics and we’ll give it a second chance, Ravi.

Masturbation
Woody Allen once jokingly called masturbation “sex with someone I love.” Pretty amazing that a jazz clarinet enthusiast who married his own daughter could love himself.

Monogamy
That thing your married friends won’t admit sucks until after they’re divorced.

Orgasm
Those five to 15 seconds before you start figuring out how to get this weirdo out of your apartment.

Polygamy
You don’t think one wife is enough? You’ve obviously never been married, Utah Joe.

Porn
A magical world where a bleach blonde bimbo with massive fake tits becomes a doctor by putting on a pair of glasses and a white lab coat.

Robin Thicke
The reason there’s suddenly so many lesbians.

S.E.X.
A song by Nickelback I’ve never heard but just stumbled across the existence of on Google. The lyrics are so stupid they make KISS’s discography look like a collection of Shakespeare sonnets.

Sex Trafficking
Look, all I know is the “sex traffic” going in and out of your mom’s bedroom last night was pretty heavy! HEY-OOOOOOOOOH

Sexpert
A hussy with a lit degree desperately trying to market her sex blog after realizing she’s a 35-year-old barista.

Sixty-Nine
Nothing says “I have a debilitating fear of intimacy that I’m occasionally horny enough to briefly overcome” like wanting to sixty-nine.

Titty Fucking
Every woman’s favorite position. Nothing brings the human female to orgasm faster than having to wrap her boobs around the dick of some tit-fixated perv whose mom refused to breastfeed him while he drags his sweaty balls across her belly. Ah, how she loves the full weight of a grown adult male bouncing on her midsection! Don’t forget to cum in her eyes to maximize her pleasure, guys!

Viagra
The common name for Sildenafil Citrate, a medication that helps prevent loss of erection. But don’t take too much—walking around with a perma-boner the next three days could be “viagra-vating.” (Hey, I’m gonna use this joke in my stand-up act—please don’t steal it.)

Vibrator
A thing that vibrates. Duh! It’s in the name! Do I have to do all the work for you?

Congratulations! You now know absolutely everything you need to know about (Get ready! Here it comes! The last word of the piece!) sex.

Follow Eli Braden on Twitter.