What's Gone On This Week: Toilet Paper Suppliers Are More Prepared for Brexit Than the British Government

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

LORRAINE KELLY HAS WON A ROW OVER A £1.2 MILLION TAX BILL WITH HMRC AFTER A JUDGE RULED THAT KELLY IS PERFORMING THE ROLE OF A "FRIENDLY, CHATTY AND FUN PERSONALITY" WHEN SHE APPEARS ON HER ITV MORNING SHOW AND NOT SIMPLY APPEARING AS HERSELF, THEREFORE CONSIDERED TO BE A "THEATRICAL ARTIST". AS A RESULT, PAYMENTS TO AN AGENT WERE ALLOWED AS A TAX DEDUCTIBLE EXPENSE.

JUDGE JENNIFER DEAN'S RULING STATED "WE SHOULD MAKE CLEAR WE DO NOT DOUBT THAT MS KELLY IS AN ENTERTAINING LADY, BUT THE POINT IS THAT FOR THE TIME MS KELLY IS CONTRACTED TO PERFORM LIVE ON AIR SHE IS PUBLIC ‘LORRAINE KELLY’; SHE MAY NOT LIKE THE GUEST SHE INTERVIEWS, SHE MAY NOT LIKE THE FOOD SHE EATS, SHE MAY NOT LIKE THE FILM SHE VIEWED, BUT THAT IS WHERE THE PERFORMANCE LIES."

DESPITE HER EPONYMOUS “LORRAINE” SHOW AND THE FACT SHE’S BEEN THE FACE OF MORNING ITV FOR OVER 25 YEARS, JUDGE DEAN RULED THAT KELLY WAS NOT EMPLOYED BY ITV. KELLY ARGUED THAT SHE DECIDED HER OWN WORKING HOURS (WHICH COINCIDENTALLY HAPPENS TO BE EVERY WEEKDAY MORNING) AND POINTED OUT THAT SHE DID NOT RECEIVE THE PERKS OF BEING AN ITV EMPLOYEE, LIKE HOLIDAY OR SICK PAY – JUST MILLIONS OF POUNDS IN CASH.

IMAGINE HOW QUICKLY SOME WORKING CLASS SAINSBURY’S LIFER WOULD BE CARTED OFF TO THE SLAMMER BY G4S HENCHMEN IF THEY TRIED TO CONVINCE A JUDGE THEY AREN’T TECHNICALLY A SUPERMARKET “EMPLOYEE” AND ACTUALLY PERFORM “IN CHARACTER”, DESPITE A TRUMAN SHOW SITUATION OF THEM BEING LITERALLY BROADCAST TO THE ENTIRE NATION EVERY SINGLE DAY AT FUCKING WORK TO THE CONTRARY.

THE IDEA THAT ONLY SOME CUNTS IN SHOWBIZ PUT ON A PERSONA AT WORK IS LAUGHABLE. WORK IS 99 PERCENT FAKING SLIGHT AMUSEMENT AS SOME CUNT ADDS “.COM” ONTO THE END OF AN ADJECTIVE OR PASSIVELY NODDING AT SOME IDIOT'S GIBBERISH AND GOING “YEAH, ABSOLUTELY AGREE.”

TRY AND TELL ME I’M NOT A BETTER “THEATRICAL ARTIST” THAN DANIEL DAY-LEWIS AFTER SOME CRETIN SAYS “NO SYMPATHY FROM ME – SELF INFLICTED!” FOR THE SEVENTH TIME BEFORE MIDDAY AFTER A COLLEAGUE LETS ON I'M HUNGOVER AND MY IMMEDIATE REACTION IS AN IMITATION OF AMUSED COUNTENANCE INSTEAD OF: “SHUT UP CUNT DIE."

WHEN YOU THINK HOW JAM-PACKED BRITAIN IS WITH FACELESS BANKERS AND PROPERTY TYCOONS ALL FAILING TO PAY THEIR DUES, THE FACT SOMEONE AS PUBLIC AS LORRAINE KELLY CAN SO EASILY SHIRK THEIR CIVIC DUTY TO PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE SIMPLY MAKES YOU DESPAIR AT OUR FEEBLE TAXATION SYSTEM THAT’S ONLY DESIGNED TO SNARE DECENT WORKING PEOPLE.

WHAT SORT OF PRECEDENT DOES THIS JUDGE’S DECISION SET FOR THE AVERAGE WORKER? DO OUR MEAL DEALS AND TRAIN FARE BECOME TAX-DEDUCTIBLE IF WE ARE “IN CHARACTER” AS A “9-5 OFFICE WORKER”? MY GUESS IS "FUCKING NO CHANCE."

LIKE TIME IMMEMORIAL, THE “PAY-AS-YOU-EARN” TAXED SCUM OF BRITAIN CONTINUE TO FOOT THE BILL FOR EVERYTHING.

ONE OF THE UK'S MAJOR TOILET TISSUE IMPORTERS HAS BEEN STOCKPILING TO ENSURE IT CAN MAINTAIN SUPPLIES IN THE EVENT OF A NO-DEAL BREXIT. GERMAN-OWNED WEPA HAS HARVESTED AN EXTRA 3.5 MILLON ROLLS AND HAS TAKEN ON AN EXTRA 60,000 SQUARE FEET OF WAREHOUSING SPACE FOR MULTIPACKS OF LITERAL ARSEWIPES.

UK BOSS MIKE DOCKER SAID WEPA WAS NOW CHARTERING SHIPS TO IMPORT (RATHER THAN USING TRUCKS, DUE TO IT BEING “MORE ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY”) TO ENSURE WE CAN ALL COMFORTABLY WIPE OUR SHITTY BUMS. THANKFULLY, IN ADDITION TO THE TOILET PAPER AND KITCHEN ROLL, THEY HAVE ALSO SHIPPED IN EXTRA TISSUE, SO OUR CUM AND PHLEGM NEEDS ARE MET AS WELL.

WHEN THE FIRM STARTED PREPARING ITS SO-CALLED "BREXIT BUSTER" PLAN, IT LOOKED AT THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO – THE UK LEAVING WITHOUT A DEAL – AND PREPARED FOR THAT, WHICH MAKES ME QUESTION HOW SOME CUNTS WHO SELL BOG ROLL FOR A LIVING ARE ACTUALLY PROVIDING THE BRITISH PUBLIC A SUPERIOR SERVICE THAN THE GOVERNMENT.

IN OCTOBER OF LAST YEAR, FORMER EUROPE MINISTER DENIS MCSHANE HIGHLIGHTED THE UK’S DEPENDENCE ON TOILET ROLL IMPORTS, STATING THAT BRITAIN WAS EUROPE'S BIGGEST IMPORTER OF BOG ROLL AND THAT WE USE TWO-AND-A-HALF TIMES THE EUROPEAN AVERAGE NUMBER OF ROLLS PER YEAR.

APPARENTLY, THE UK ONLY HAS “ONE DAY’S SUPPLY OF TOILET PAPER IN STOCK AT ANY TIME”, SO THIS STOCKPILING WILL COME AS RELIEF. EVEN MCSHANE SUGGESTED WE CAN RESORT TO USING "TORN-UP NEWSPAPERS AS IN BYGONE DAYS" IN THE UNFOLDING OF A NO-DEAL BREXIT.

EVEN WITH THESE HOARDING HEROICS I CAN FORESEE A SUSPICIOUS NUMBER OF PEOPLE CARRYING A FREE COPY OF THE METRO OFF THE BUS IN THE COMING WEEKS.

QUITE FRANKLY, OUR SICKENING DEPENDENCE ON TOILET PAPER HAS ALWAYS CONCERNED ME, AND OUR DISREGARD FOR BIDETS IN THE UK IS FINALLY GOING TO COME A CROPPER. HOW THE FUCK DID WE DECIDE IT WASN’T BEST TO WASH OUR ARSES IMMEDIATELY AFTER HAVING A SHIT? MY GUESS IS WHEN EVERY CUNT IS WALKING ABOUT WITH A NEWTON’S CRADLE OF CLINKERS BETWEEN THEIR CHEEKS IN A FEW WEEKS WE MIGHT GET TO FINALLY COMPREHEND WHAT BREXIT MEANS FOR US.

WHAT MAKES THESE SCENARIOS EVEN STUPIDER IS THE FACT OUR GOVERNMENT’S NO-DEAL BREXIT PREPARATIONS SEEM TO HAVE AMOUNTED TO THEM ACTIVATING A TEAM OF BRITISH ARMED FORCES IN A NUCLEAR BUNKER BENEATH THE MINISTRY OF DEFENCE. SO MAYBE WIPING OUR ARSES SUFFICIENTLY WILL BE THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS.

ROUGH SLEEPERS ARE TO BE OFFERED STAB-PROOF, NON-FLAMMABLE AND SLASH-RESISTANT COATS THAT TURN INTO SLEEPING BAGS. THEY'RE CURRENTLY BEING TRIALLED AND COULD BE INITIALLY ROLLED OUT IN SOUTH WALES.

THE GARMENT HAS BEEN DEVELOPED BY RED DRAGON, A SOCIAL ENTERPRISE IN SWANSEA THAT EMPLOYS FORMERLY HOMELESS PEOPLE AND EX-OFFENDERS, AND LLAMAU, A HOMELESSNESS CHARITY BASED IN CARDIFF.

THE JACKET WAS CREATED TO KEEP ROUGH SLEEPERS SAFE FROM ATTACKS, AMID GROWING CONCERN OVER VIOLENCE AGAINST PEOPLE LIVING ON BRITISH STREETS. MERSEYSIDE POLICE HAVE RECENTLY SAID THAT OFFENCES AGAINST HOMELESS PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN DOUBLED IN FIVE YEARS.

FRANCES BEECHER, THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF LLAMAU, SAID: “ANYBODY WHO IS WEARING THE ROOF COAT IS AS SAFE AS POSSIBLE. BUT THIS IS A STOPGAP AND MUST LEAD TO GETTING THE PERSON INTO A SAFER ENVIRONMENT, WHICH IS OFF THE STREET.”

WHILE THE CONCEPT ITSELF DEFINITELY COMES FROM A GOOD PLACE, IT DOES REALLY FILL ME WITH A GREAT SORROW THAT PEOPLE ARE SO DESPERATE TO HELP ROUGH SLEEPERS THAT THEY ARE FUNNELLING MONEY INTO THESE INVENTIONS THAT QUITE SIMPLY SHOULDN’T EXIST BECAUSE OF THE COMPLETE LACK OF ACTION BY BOTH LOCAL AND CENTRAL GOVERNMENT TO TACKLE HOMELESSNESS.

THE JACKETS COST £700 AND I’VE NO DOUBT THEY’LL BE BINNED AT THE FIRST GIVEN OPPORTUNITY BY SOME FUCKING JOBSWORTH ENFORCEMENT OFFICER OR POLICEMAN. NAIVELY, YOU THINK THAT SORT OF MONEY COULD PAY FOR MANY NIGHTS OF ACTUAL ACCOMMODATION – SO WHEN OUR HOMELESSNESS CHARITIES ARE TURNING TO METHODS AIMED AT GIVING ROUGH SLEEPERS EXOSKELETONS LIKE FUCKING ROBOCOP JUST SO THEY CAN SURVIVE OUT ON OUR STREETS, SOMETHING FEELS DEEPLY, DEEPLY WRONG.

EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, BRITISH SOCIETY SEEMS TO BE CONSTANTLY MANUFACTURING SOME SORT OF HOSTILE DESIGN FOR ROUGH SLEEPERS INTO PUBLIC BENCHES, OR LAYING SPIKES AROUND THE PLACE LIKE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING PIGEONS. THIS ISN’T WHAT A RATIONAL, NORMAL COUNTRY DOES.

THERE ARE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF HOUSES SITTING EMPTY ACROSS BRITAIN RIGHT THIS MOMENT; THE SOLUTION COULD NOT BE MORE OBVIOUS. WE JUST NEED A GOVERNMENT WITH ENOUGH DECENCY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT.

@MULLET_FAN NEO