Terrence Lee-USA TODAY Sports
Three Stars of Comedy
Yes, there's context to that quote. No, I'm not going to tell you what it is. It's way better if you just imagine that he said it out of nowhere. I like to imagine that it was the only thing he said, and he just repeated it as the answer to every question he was asked, but you make your own artistic choices.
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I bet those dudes can bench-press 300 pounds.The first star: Dustin Byfuglien – He has a new goal celebration: just straight-up punching his teammates in the face.
I know what you're thinking: Can he also bench press 300 pounds? Probably, although we'll have to wait for him to take a front office job to find out for sure. But we do know he can deadlift two Nashville Predators at once, so I'm going to lean towards yes.
Outrage of the Week
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Obscure Former Player of the Week
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By 2000, Persson was a free agent and signed with Ottawa. He was hurt for most of his time there, but was healthy enough to dress for a few games in the 2002 playoffs. That turned out to be bad news for the Senators; with the team leading 2-0 in Game 6 and looking to wrap up their series with the Maple Leafs, Persson delivered the fateful shove from behind that split open Tie Domi's head. (Domi later admitted he drove his own head into the boards in an attempt to draw blood.) Persson was ejected, the Leafs scored twice on the ensuing major, and went on to win both the game and the series. As Daniel Alfredsson memorably put it, "If Tie Domi had better balance, we would have won the series."
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Be It Resolved
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Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown
- So we start off with the riff from "Enter Sandman," because that's the sort of music you associate with Nashville, and a flying collection of blue things that are either meteorites, UFOs, or an unfortunate family of Smurfs that tried to make a home inside of the Blue Jackets goal cannon. Whatever they are, they're flying all over what I assume is supposed to be the Nashville skyline while dark clouds and lightning erupt around them.
- Our mysterious blue objects eventually crash land, and reveal themselves to be the 2007-08 Central Division. Specifically, they're four generic 3D models wearing the jerseys of Central Division teams, but I guess that's close enough.
- A subsequent shot reveals that the four players are also giants, which seems like an important detail. Who can save the city of Nashville from these monsters?
- Oh good, a giant saber-tooth cat has arrived, and is running loose through the town. This makes things… better? I guess it's better.
- I'm not sure whether or not this is supposed to be Predators' mascot Gnash. He doesn't really look like the happy-go-lucky fellow we're used to, but maybe Gnash was into the performance-enhancing drugs back in his younger days. That would explain his body breaking down years later. Somebody in Nashville please let me know if this is canon.
- Alternate theory: This is just a lost and confused Olli Jokinen looking for more teammates.
- Uh, the cat just destroyed a bridge. Meanwhile, the players are just standing around. Wait, are we sure they're the bad guys here? They honestly just kind of look like they want to hang out and play some pond hockey.
- We never do find out, though, because the cat leaps down, lunges towards the Red Wings player, and… uh… murders him. Yeah, he just straight up ate that dude's throat. I guess we should be glad that he didn't suffer, but damn, that man probably had a family.
- The Blues guy doesn't last much longer, as he's sent flying into a building. That's two victims and millions of dollars in infrastructure damage, if you're keeping track. Man, I hope this ends with this thing being euthanized. Aren't there any superheroes who could show up to save the day. (Remembers what that would look like.) You know what, never mind, we're good.
- That leaves us with the Blue Jackets and Blackhawks players. Both are wearing reflective wraparound visors, the way hockey players do. Our cat-beast is apparently tired of physically mauling his opponents, and decides to drown them instead. He cracks the ice open and sends both of them to an icy doom, which is still only the second worst thing involving the Blue Jackets that's ever happened to the Blackhawks.
- By the way, we all noticed the two players switch sides and back between shots, right? Nice continuity editing. I'm starting to think this whole thing might be fake.
- Having finished killing everyone, the cat dabbles in a little more light property damage before mounting a building. We then cut away to a live action shot of that same cat vomiting Predators' players onto the ice, at which point the game presumably begins. I'm sure the fans were fired up, at least once they comforted their hysterical, sobbing children.
- Epilogue: The giant predator-cat is now retired, and spends its days bench-pressing 300 pounds.