Panama – Voodoo

Dear VICE,
I was holidaying in Panama when I discovered a shop where they sold voodoo stuff. This place, located in the old quarter of the city, was the real deal. I walked in to see a woman blowing cigar smoke on a blood-splattered shrine and mumbling mumbo-jumbo. In the corner of the room there were machetes covered in rooster blood…

They sold magic money soap (guaranteed to bring you cash if you washed with it), sorcery salt (supposed to drive out ghosts from your house if you eat it), and they sold these babydolls that are meant to protect you from bad luck. I bought one because they were grotesque and I thought they’d make a funny decoration. But before I could take it home the voodoo shop lady said she had to “prepare” the doll by casting a spell on it for me. To do this she said I would need to bring in the following items:

– 7 dimes
– 1 piece of silver
– 1 piece of gold
– A sprinkle of earth from your home

I thought all this was a bit much, since I didn’t really believe in it and to go collect all that stuff would be a hassle. However I wanted it to be authentic, so I went out, got all the ingredients, and returned to the shop a couple of hours later. The lady with the cigar took the doll into the back of the shop to perform the spell. She emerged 10 minutes later and told me she’d put the items inside the doll, rattling it to prove it.

She gave me two instructions: 1) Never take off the doll’s clothes or head off as the magic will escape. 2) Offer the doll a shot or rum or coffee on a Monday morning.

So anyways, I left Panama the next day to travel back to England. For some reason I was stopped by narcotics officers at the airport. They suspected the shit out of me, literally – after quizzing me for an hour they then took an x-ray of my stomach to make sure I hadn’t injested condoms full of cocaine. My only worry the whole time was that they’d find the voodoo doll and want to look inside it, thus removing the magic spell. Luckily, they didn’t. Unluckily, the doll has proved to be somewhat of a curse: since I got back from holiday, my girlfriend split up with me and I’ve been evicted from my apartment.

Great.

TOM DUNON