Sobriety Is Fucking Up My Single Life

Every time Valentine's Day approaches closer and closer, being single hits me with a sense of panic. Am I single by choice, or have I just deluded myself into believing the farce that I am "focusing on myself"? I like to think that I could have a partner if I chose to have one, but it's just not the right time for me. If I had a partner, I would definitely have significantly less material to write these narcissistic articles.

Even though I'm self-aware, I still come on too strong with dudes just because it's Valentine's Day. It's like a game of musical chairs, and if I don't park my ass on someone I'll be a pariah. Every year, I'll find myself scrounging up a date because of some weird conditioning. I went on a BLIND DATE for Valentine's Day last year. Meeting someone just long enough to find out you have no connection with them is so far past the point of celebrating your connection with someone. And yet there I was.

I've been sober for over two and half years. In that time, you could say I've been really taking the "focusing on me" approach. Self-care is definitely something I had to do in order to start being a productive and professional (???) in the creative field.

But I found that I tend to replace old vices with new ones, and a fixation on sex quickly followed in the wake of my cold turkey change of lifestyle.

I've never had much game. Before I was sober, I would always choose partying over sex. Even if I was interested in someone, I'd rather go home and get fucked up alone than bring a guy home to hook up. Actually, it wasn't until I got sober that I realized I had never had sober sex. I've spoken to quite a few people about this, and opinions seem to be pretty divided. Some people think that's totally normal and tell me they rarely have sober sex, and some people think that I was totally detached from acknowledging a passionate and unsullied unity with another person. Those people are hippies because I still don't feel that, and I'm coming up on three years clean.

I partially attribute my sobriety for causing my last serious relationship to end. Well, less my sobriety, and more my surly annoyance with him coming home fucked up all the time. Our relationship, which started out with a matched intake of nightlife and excess, quickly fizzled when I turned into a wet blanket boyfriend. I'm not saying that I am a good person. I'm definitely a better person—not perfect, but more cognizant of my actions and behaviour patterns. I don't have substances to blame my shitty choices on, and that has made me a much more accountable person.

When I first got sober, I vowed not to become a self-righteous teetotaler. I didn't want to choose my lovers or boyfriends based off sobriety being our main common interest. Who cares if they drink or do drugs? It's their choice, and I don't have a right to comment on it. Sure, that may be true, but I definitely have the right to not stand in the shitstorm and wonder why I'm getting pelted with shit. The longer I am sober, the less patience I have for people who are immersed in a party world. Maybe that's why I am alone. But is it a choice, or have I just painted myself into a corner? I am way less fun and way more reclusive than I used to be, and it makes me way less dateable.

OK I'll admit it: I guess I am looking for a partner. When considering someone's eligibility for a potential serious relationship, or even just a hookup, sobriety can throw curveballs. I briefly touched on this in my Grindr guide, but booty calls are mostly fuelled by liquor and drugs. It's super-predatory when consent is blurred in any way, and especially if inebriation is just coming from one side. It's best to avoid those murky waters altogether and not sleep with people when they're fucked up. Thank god I've been reading all these articles about millennials embracing sobriety. Maybe they'll start sliding into my DMs.

I didn't use any resources to help myself get sober, and I'm certainly not discrediting their value. I have a lot of friends who have gone to rehab. A lot are also actively in AA, and its structure is beneficial to them. AA always seemed too culty to me. I am (obviously) not against over-sharing with people, but maybe I am against being reliant on a set of rules to dictate the terms of what I choose to put into my body. Plus, I read once in an astrology book that people born on my birthday should be wary of drugs AND cults:

All drugs, particularly those with addictive properties, should be viewed with caution. November 12 people should beware of cults, since the fervor written into their ideology is generally not a positive influence.

Your first red flag about me is that I am referencing a fucking zodiac coffee table book to gain personal insight. If I am pulling meaning from that book, I should definitely not join anything too regimented with ideology. But seriously, if you need help, seek it out in any form you can.

Feel free to email me if you want to chat about your struggles, bitch at me about my article that no one made you read, or to be my valentine. I'll probably be doing nothing today, unless I'm on another shitty blind date.

Jaik Puppyteeth is an artist in Vancouver. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.