At long last, the NHL’s worst kept secret was made official Wednesday—the league is expanding to 31 teams and adding a franchise in Las Vegas for the 2017-18 season.
New owner Bill Foley met with the media, talked about playing “shiny” hockey instead of shinny hockey as a boy, and revealed that he has no plan to hire a general manager right now. Foley said, strangely enough, that he wants to have an assistant general manager in place before the general manager is hired, which shows the Las Vegas TBDs are already showing signs of being as dysfunctional as the league’s long-standing organizations.
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Who will be the next GM? What traits will he or she need to run a hockey team in its infancy? How important will knowing the inner workings of Las Vegas matter?
READ MORE: Hockey Night in Vegas: The NHL’s Newest Franchise May Not Make Sense, But It Will Bring Dollars
After a thorough investigation into all potential candidates, it is important that Foley consider these five:
Sam “Ace” Rothstein
Pros: Ace ran the Tangiers casino, a new establishment on the strip, and did so with ruthless efficiency, something an expansion hockey club could use. He is proficient in mathematics and gambling, which may as well be applied to the crap shoots that are drafting and free agency. And after years dealing with some of the more underhanded, corrupt and greedy people in the mafia and casino business, he should have no trouble adjusting to working with NHL owners.
Probably a guy who can get a deal done. Screengrab via YouTube
Cons: If an assistant GM is already in place, that’s probably not going to sit well with Ace’s already-existing partner, Nicky Santoro. If the AGM wants Nicky to come along on a scouting assignment to Saskatoon, there’s a good chance that AGM won’t be alive in the morning. There’s also Ace’s history with becoming distracted and violent when his wife kidnaps his child. If it’s any indication of how he’s going to handle things if another team offer-sheets one of his young players, this job may not be for him.
Team name: Las Vegas Aces
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Alan of the Wolfpack
Pros: He comes into the job with one of the key traits required for anyone making decisions on an NHL roster—an inability to remember, recognize and learn from mistakes. He knows the Vegas terrain inside and out. And as someone that still utilizes a pager, he’s unlikely to get himself in trouble with any form of social media since he doesn’t have a smart phone.
Cons: He has been known to traffic in illegal narcotics and has ties to a crime boss that has served time in prison and committed murder. Living with his parents as an adult makes him less equipped to be a GM and more equipped to run the team’s analytics department.
Team name: Las Vegas Hangovers
Bonus pro: He’ll be great with the young kids on the roster.
Gil Grissom
Pros: About as organized and meticulous as a human being can get, Grissom ran the CSI unit in Las Vegas for a decade. If there’s a problem that needs to be solved, Grissom has proven he can do it. Plus, his passion is studying and learning about insects, which can only be beneficial when it comes to negotiating contracts with agents.
Cons: It took him an entire season to find the identity of the Miniature Killer, who literally gave Grissom miniature versions of the crime scenes and he still couldn’t solve the crime right away. If he can’t figure out something that’s right in front of his face despite having all the information, that doesn’t bode well for managing the salary cap. There’s Gil, staring at General Fanager, trying to understand why his team is over the cap. Next thing you know, an entire year has gone by. Plus, Gil retired because he was unable to deal with crooks on a regular basis, so those board of governors meetings probably aren’t for him.
Team name: Las Vegas CSIce
Danny Ocean
Pros: When he sets his mind to something, he can accomplish anything. He has proven that he can work with people with wildly different backgrounds to get a job done. He can speak Chinese, which should help him in that burgeoning market. If you can rob three casinos, you can probably take advantage of the Canucks, Avalanche and Flames in one big transaction pretty easily.
Can’t be worse than Mike Milbury, amirite? Screengrab via YouTube
Cons: The NHL felt pretty dumb when it let John Spano own a team, so Ocean’s criminal record probably prevents him from being considered. And if his plot for guiding this hockey team to success is as convoluted as the plots to Ocean’s Twelve and Ocean’s Thirteen, maybe this isn’t going to work out.
Team name: Las Vegas Oceans
Nomi Malone
Pros: Before arriving in Las Vegas, Nomi had nothing. But after a while, she rose to the top of the showgirl world. Let’s think about this: Started with nothing, got to the top of her industry. Why wouldn’t the Las Vegas TBDs let her run this team? If she can work with Al Torres (honestly, these are great references so look up the movie Showgirls), she can work with any of her fellow GMs.
Cons: Well, as nice as it would be to have the NHL’s first woman GM, she has a darker past than Ocean. Her real name is Polly and she’s been arrested for drug possession, although we can’t say for sure that she wasn’t framed by Dean Lombardi. As a matter of fact, Nomi/Molly fleeing Las Vegas for Los Angeles at the end of the movie may have been her making a trek to get revenge against Lombardi.
Team name: Las Vegas Obscure References No One Gets
