This article originally appeared on MUNCHIES in January 2015. Now that the East Coast is set to be blanketed in yet another downpour of snow, we thought it was time to dust off this PSA.
New York is currently totally losing its shit because a cute little snowstorm called Juno Stella is about to bury the whole damn metropolis in up to two feet of fresh pow-pow (via some ridiculously strong winds and merciless white-outs).
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Everyone is prepping to be locked indoors for at least a day and a half due to rampant transportation warnings and huge flashing red lights in the sky with all-caps banners that this COULD BE THE WORST SNOWSTORM IN NEW YORK HISTORY. Grocery stores, accordingly, are starting to more closely resemble the barren-ass shelves of a 1980s Soviet supermarket.
Add in lines that are literally hundreds of people long at some stores. Despite the fact that shoppers should probably be concerning themselves with non-perishables, the refrain of “Bread and milk! Bread and milk!” currently resonates in the streets. Put your ear to the window—do you hear it now?
So you may be wondering: “Am I going to starve to death during this blizzard?”
The answer is no, silly. Out of all of the things that could lead to your imminent death during Juno’s reign (and there are a couple), starvation and malnutrition are very unlikely to be the causes.
Enough with the bread and milk. If your power goes out, do you really want to deal with the fetid smell of milk gone bad filling your home? Didn’t think so. Mob mentality is causing you to act a fool.
Four hundred people died during the notoriously brutal Blizzard of 1888, but 100 of those casualties were men who were lost at sea and the majority of the others perished from the cold or due to fires and flooding. Even in 1888, before supermarkets and freezers and microwaves and Seamless, almost nobody was dying of starvation when it snowed a bunch for a few days.
Were they hungry? Probably. Some people were stranded in their homes for up to a week. But as evidenced by the Discovery Channel show Naked and Afraid (the height of reality television authenticity, right?), one can survive on a single decapitated lizard carcass and a handful of mildly poisonous berries for three weeks. You and your PB&Js will be just fine on Tuesday.
And go look at your miserable pantry shelves—they’re likely full of boxes of Rice-a-Roni and cans of clam chowder that you should be using up before 2020 anyway (and that you probably bought during the 2011 blizzard). Now’s the time for a survivalist feast based on all of your shelf-stable impulse purchases! How about a blizzard casserole of orzo, cream of mushroom soup, and frozen chicken nuggets? Scrumptious and caloric enough to keep you insulated during those extra days away from your favorite burrito spot.
Another obvious alleviant to the issue of being stuck inside with your cat for a couple of days is to get drunk. As long as you know that you won’t have to drive anywhere, this blizzard can really be thought of as a “staycation.” Hoarding whiskey is also much smarter than hoarding bread, as your bread will get moldy in a few days and, like a diamond, whiskey is forever. Why not use this time to work on your burgeoning mixology career?
For those of you still quivering in fear and filling multiple shopping carts with piles of white bread and gallon milk jugs, keep in mind that a GrubHub spokesperson has given the green light to order pizza and crappy Chinese food to your house, even during Juno Stella.
Just make sure to tip generously—your poor delivery person endured far worse than a jaunt to the corner bodega to bring you that hot and sour soup.
And remember, you’re still in New York City. The Inuits deal with this crap all the time, their food is three times more expensive, and they don’t have Seamless.
