Free Horowitz

Drawing by Brian Degraw

When I first submitted this article, the editors sent it back saying, “Didn’t you get into Judaism, like, an hour ago?” To which I responded, “Hmmm. Let me think about that.”

How am I a Jew? Not Hebrew school. Not by practice or ritual or even how I was raised. What made me a Jew was that no one else in my hometown in New Hampshire was a Jew. It’s like how you can talk about what a bitch your mom is all day long, but as soon as someone else says, “Yeah, your mom’s a fucking cunt,” THAT’S when you are your mother’s daughter.

What made me a Jew was being the only one with black, hairy legs and arms, being called “Ape,” and having pennies and nickels thrown at my feet as I walked down the aisle of the bus just because Jews love money. The latter wasn’t as bad as it sounds. I ended up going (pity) steady with Matt Italia, plus, I made 52 cents!

So, Paki VICE faggots, that’s why I can write articles like this!

Winona Ryder is a dirty fucking Jew, and it is such a Jew move to trick everyone, to change her Jew-y last name (Horowitz, by the way) and fool all of Hollywood and America into thinking she isn’t one. Scorsese fell for it and cast her as a romantic lead in The Age of Innocence, a role my entire family agrees would have been perfect for me. He must feel so dirty and used. He’s shaking his head as he reads the Horowitz thing saying, “I don’t understand. She seemed so pretty…”

I brought it up at brunch the other day. It was me, a couple of suit-friendly writers, and an NBC executive, all us eating omelettes, all of us Jewish. All of a sudden, the executive guy goes, “Winona Ryder is the only good-looking Jewish actress in Hollywood.” I was so shocked my jaw dropped and half an asparagus fell out of it. Then I looked up and noticed nobody else gave a shit, which shocked me again and made me hold it open even longer until the other half fell out.

Now, as I write this, I have to admit, I’m blowing my own mind. My whole everything has been built on, “It’s just words, and what do words mean, and blah blah blah,” and I hate that, and I hate how, when I’m doing stand-up, the Jews and blacks laugh the hardest at the racial shit until I talk about them, at which point they get asparagus jaw. But now look at me. I’m a hypocrite. Who am I to think this scumbag NBC executive was a schmuck? Oh yeah, I know who––a person who was having lunch with a fucking NBC schmuck.

Most say you can’t say “nigger” unless you’re black. If you’re not, you have to say “nigga,” but I think that’s gay (oops, I can’t say that). How about you can’t say “nigger” or any bad Jew stuff if you’re a total fucking douchebag? Who defines which people are douchebags? ME!!!

Last week I got my picture taken for a magazine, and the editor was there and he said, “Guys are totally gonna jerk off to this.” I loved it, of course, but I knew that that’s not necessarily true. I told him, “I’m only hot for a Jew.” He asked me, “What does that mean? Hot for a Jew?” I explained to him that it’s a self-hatred thing only indirectly comparable to the modesty-out-of-fear of a Pearl Buck character. It’s pretty simple, actually: You’re allowed to say Jews are ugly if it’s how you get compliments. You’re not allowed to say it if you’re a douchebag wearing a suit.

SARAH SILVERMAN