As you read these words, millions of people are purging fecal matter into or onto toilets, holes, ditches, bogs, quicksand, oceans, Honda Civics, sinks, urinals, troughs, wooded areas, grass, dumpsters, trash cans, statues of the Virgin Mary, nostrils, mouths, armpits, feet, vaginas, penises, someone else’s butthole, pets, cheese, and whatever else you could think of. Add animal dung into the mix, and it’s obvious that we are in the throes of a serious excrement epidemic that you may not be aware of.
So allow me to inform you: One day—and it could very well be someday soon—we will experience a global sewage backup so severe that a turd tsunami will devastate the world over, literally laying waste to every village and metropolis in its path. Rivers of poop will submerge islands and rise up hundreds of feet, eventually cracking the windows of the penthouse apartments of the last survivors until they slowly drown in a foyer full of diarrhea.
Don’t believe it? Well, brothers and sisters, have I got news for you. Crap has already declared war, and it’s winning. Behold just a few of the innumerable examples of how shit can kill.
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