When you hear the phrase “Britney Spears leaked photos,” the first thing that comes to mind is probably the series of unfortunate NSFW pictures that made rounds on the internet in 2006. But the sneak peeks into all things Britney that are popping up today aren’t of her nether regions (thankfully for her) or of her attacking paparazzi with an umbrella, but of something more quaint but equally revealing: her grocery list.
Several handwritten shopping lists allegedly nicked from the pop star sold this week in the bizarro marketplace of eBay for a rather affordable $60 each. Despite clearly being stolen by an assistant or someone else who worked closely with Britney, the seller claims that they were sourced from “a well-respected music memorabilia company” and are “100 percent genuine.”
Videos by VICE
Supposing, then, that that’s the case, let’s take a look at what ol’ Brit Brit is after when she hits the local Kroger (or, living in Los Angeles, Ralph’s).
Photos via eBay
For starters, we appreciate that Britney opted not for lined paper or an iOS “note” (the list is, after all, from 2012, well after the advent of the smartphone) but for the back of one of those sheet-a-day Mary Engelbreit desk calenders, emblazoned with all sorts of American cuteness. How fitting for our nation’s former patron saint of girl-next-doorness.
But moving on to the desirables themselves, Britney clearly has enough of a relationship with Cap’n Crunch that she feels comfortable intimately abbreviating it to “Capns”.
But then again, that might say “Capris,” which could either mean the long and thin cigarettes that your Aunt Mae smokes or foil Capri Sun “juice” bags. Judging by the fact that OJ, Dr. Pepper, and Sprite are also on the list, it’s fair to assume that Ms. Spears is a fan of sugary beverages, diabetes be damned. And with Wonderbread, “ham deli” [slices?], biscuits, and “double icing ” (Double Stuf?) Oreos on the list, she’s also a red-blooded American, dammit.
A few items of note on this particular list are “spegettios” [sic], “baby pizzas,” and “cinamin rolls.” The horribly misspelled foods are all in good fun, but it’s appreciable that she opted to refer to what are likely personal pizzas as “baby pizzas.” This could mean that these are pizzas that she intended to serve to babies, or that she likes the idea of smaller pizzas being young versions of big pizzas.
Moving on…
This particular list is rather unexceptional except for three glaring things. First, that she continues to spell “cinnamon” as “cinamin” with great confidence. Second, that she has this time rebranded “Capns” as “Captain Crunch,” with increased formality. And third, that she is purchasing both regular milk and Silk soymilk, implying a lack of loyalty to the California Milk Processor Board’s “Got Milk?” campaign, in which she was featured in at least twice. However, since she omitted the word “soy,” it’s also possible that she wasn’t aware at the time that Silk is non-dairy.
And finally, it’s safe to say that the girl truly adores her soda, all-American slams (note the recurrence of eggs and bacon), and especially soft pretzels, so much so that she almost listed them twice a mere two items apart.
All in all, this is the grocery list of a patriot, namely one with two male children and a penchant for processed food. But that’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with Britney ‘s list, other than the fact that it’s notably missing the ingredients to cheese grits, once named Brit’s favorite food by her proud dad as he made them for her using individually wrapped Velveeta slices.
What insight do we have left to gain into a star that we drove mad with our curiosity to the point of giving her a nervous breakdown? Nothing too surprising, it seems. No Thai bird’s eye chilies or morels or daikon kimchee or MD 20/20 to be found here.
But she does really like Cap’n Crunch.
