eBay is the great equaliser of online marketplaces.
Aside from firearms, human remains, and meth recipe books, you can buy and sell just about anything on here—and, when the internet grants them an outlet, weirdos will find their way to it. There are those who hope to make big bank with potato chips that look like Harry Dean Stanton, and others who hope to unload the limited-edition sodas they’ve been hoarding since 1992. There’s the gross, the gruesome, and the deeply bizarre. There are nostalgic treasures and edible oddities. If you’re ever longed for an item of clothing emblazoned with the logo of a long-defunct fruit drink line or wished to spend your hard-earned money on an unusually shaped morsel of nacho cheese powder and maltodextrin, you are in great luck, friends.
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We dug through the depths of eBay to bring you a current list of its most absurd, forgotten, and WTF-inducing food-related items. Bid away!
Superman Cheeto
For a cool $5k, you can be the proud owner of this “unique” Cheeto. This is a great investment. (Worth noting: The world’s most expensive Superman comic sold for $3.2 million on eBay in 2014.) Think of your future.
50 lbs of Oreo Filling
This one goes out to all the dedicated Oreo filling-scrapers—finally, someone’s done the hard work for you. Fifty pounds should be enough to get you through the week, right? Thank God there’s free shipping.
“It’s a Boy!” Gum Cigars
Ah, the “classic birth announcement.” Yay, you’re pregnant! And since you can’t keep your grubby paws off that case of Cubans, here are some flavourless blue gum rods that’ll surely hit the spot.
Fruitopia Watch
Nothing can prove your commitment to the 90s revival like a defunct Fruitopia accessory. Just like every other 90s product that disappeared into the pop culture abyss, this watch is “never used” and “not working.” Remember how Fruitopia had flavours like “Citrus Consciousness” and “Strawberry Passion Awareness”? It was kind of woke AF.
Creamed Possum
As much as we’d love to try canned roadkill, we’re really, really glad that this is just a gag gift. We think. Not sure why they bothered mentioning the sweet potatoes. Please try this and report back.
Gerber Baby Food Tie
For the working professional looking to show their allegiance to their most trusted producer of baby mush, this silk number will elevate your office look from “run-of-the-mill businessman” to “ABDL” instantly!
Duck Dynasty Chocolate Heart
Because nothing says “I love you” like a heart-shaped, fur-lined, homophobic-redneck-branded box of chocolates. Romance isn’t dead after all. This will be a nice gift to console your Trump-loving aunt with in three weeks, if you’re still speaking at that point. One question remains, however: Why is it so hairy?
Meat Gun
DIY jerky just got easier—just load this bad boy up with a pound of ground meat and pull the trig. Gross, yes, but looks weirdly satisfying. This should be in a gift basket with the creamed possum and the Duck Dynasty chocolates.
Sake-Flavoured Kit Kats
Of all the odd Kit Kat flavours you can find in Japan, this is a contender for the weirdest. They’ve got enough sake in them (.8 percent) for some boozy flavour, but not enough to get you drunk. Candy, or dark night at your local sushi bar? You’ll never have to choose again.
Michael Jordan Fruit Snacks
Even Michael Jordan is confused about why these exist, why someone saved them for 25 years, and what condition the fruit snacks must be in at this point in time. Are they fossilised, or frighteningly well-preserved? Only the curious buyer will know. Also, seems like a missed opportunity for the seller to charge $23.
Thank you for joining us on our journey through the world’s largest online auction house. May all of your creamed possum dreams come true.
