Here's Every Kind of Summer Job You Will Have this Year

Oh god, oh god, exams are nearly over and you’re going to have to face that gaping hole in your summer calendar pretty soon. What will you do with yourself? Will it amount to anything of value? (Lol, no).

Anyway, it’s probably going to be one of these things, so buckle up and try not to sleep with a coworker in the first week.

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Cool Arts Organization Thing
It’s hard to explain, but you run their Twitter, attend events you don’t really understand, and sometimes get paid. Your friends are jealous, and that’s all that matters.

Lifeguard
Pros: Everyone calls you ‘hot’ even if it’s not true. You get to swim. You mostly get to sit down. You might get to save a life.
Cons: If you look at your iPhone for more than a minute, some kid drowns.

Data Entry
You are nothing and you do nothing. You will develop carpal tunnel syndrome. You will start doing crosswords to stay sane.

Call Centre Employee
You will promise yourself it’s just for the summer, but because the job is so shitty, you get paid higher than minimum wage and end up staying for longer. You slowly lose sight of who you are and your purpose in life. You spend 8 hours a day being yelled at by people who don’t know what they’re talking about and figure it must be punishment for something really bad you did once in your life.

Fast-food Clerk
Haha yeah man that BA in political science really came in handy as far as flinging fried chicken goes.

Courier
You will discover many mysterious industrial cul-de-sacs in your town that you never knew existed as you drive around like a maniac trying to deliver as many packages as possible because your pay is on commission and dudes are constantly yelling at you through the walkie-talkie the dispatch gave you and also you will spend 150 bucks a week on gas and your insurance is a nightmare. Good way to catch up on podcasts though.

Budtender
Weed isn’t quite legal, but who cares? Definitely not the numerous dispensaries that seem to be on every other city block in Toronto and Vancouver. If you think about it, portioning out dime bags of God’s Vagina 2.0 (if you’re lucky enough to handle such prestigious product) and Watermelon Haze sounds pretty cushy compared to the other options on this list. Plus, if you’re looking for a temporary gig, illegal pot shops still run the risk of getting shut down suddenly (ugh).

Security Guard
Pro-tip: when your supervisor gets mad at you for reading on the job, do not try to be smart by pointing out that you’re actually being paid well above minimum wage to stare at an unused grocery store emergency exit all night instead.

Uber Eats/Foodora Bike Courier
We appreciate your sweat and tears.

Regular Farm
Your parents own a farm, you poor bastard.

Organic Farm
WWOOF suckered you into thinking your summer would be full of frolicking in fields and not intense labour and insect bites.

Tree Planter
See this, this, and this.

Intern at a tech startup
We’ll be working for you in six months.

Mover
There’s no better way to fuel the righteous indignation over the excessive cost of housing in Canada’s major cities than spending ten hours getting paid minimum wage for humping someone’s furniture out of a downtown rowhouse in the neighbourhood where you rent an overpriced bachelor apartment. Especially when they just made $600K flipping that place to buy a McMansion on a quiet cul-de-sac in the suburbs.

Sales Associate at the Mall
As “keyholder” you arrive every morning and open the store while the grannies are still doing laps around the second floor. If your manager isn’t around you can probably get away with leaning on the counter with your back to customers or hiding in the break room. If you’re not so lucky you may actually have to talk to other humans. You will ultimately regret making friends with food court employees.

Prestigious Internship at a Law Firm
Well, fuck you, fancy pants.

VICE Summer Intern
According to our commenters, all it takes is a cool haircut and an opinion they don’t agree with.

Landscaper
Get high and cut grass.

Camp Counselor
Get high and take care of kids.

Ice Cream Server
Get high and scoop ice cream.

Drug Dealer
Sell drugs to landscapers, camp counselors, ice cream servers, etc.

College Zine/Blog Columnist
Holy shit, your friends started a zine/blog and asked you to write for it! Your big break! The publication doesn’t have a name yet, but the group has lofty goals, such as crushing capitalism and getting people interested in poetry. During several meetings and group texts, talk of money is met with vague reassurances. Someone mentions a grant or something—you’ll get paid, for sure. You mostly just smoke weed and argue about the name of the publication. As you perfect your premiere piece (a short story about an old lady crying into a cup of tea, which is a metaphor for death), new members are invited to join on a daily basis. A fight breaks out over the name of the publication, and the founder quits. Nothing is accomplished. You never get paid.

College Zine/Blog Founder
What if we called it Capitalism: Annihilation?

Finding Yourself in Europe
Your parents are rich and very proud of you!

Finding Yourself in Southeast Asia
Turns out, there wasn’t much of yourself there to find.

Government Job
Shit, union salaries to sit around and do nothing all day? You are living the dream!

Boss’s Kid: White Collar Edition
Get paid to sleep in.

Boss’s Kid: Blue Collar Edition
You’re fucked.

Under-the-Table Labour Work
Your day starts with a text message asking if you can be available in 15 minutes to move something heavy for $200 cash. The other workers, none of whom you know by name, make fun of your safety equipment, aka closed-toed shoes and t-shirt. They also call you “gay” for bringing your own lunch, talking about books, music or culture (except Metallica), talking in general, making eye contact, and existing.

Credit Card Salesperson
In exchange for a free BBQ brush worth $3, occasionally people will sign their souls away. Most people in the mall you stalk around with your clipboard will do everything they can to not look you in your miserable eyes. Cocaine. You also do lots of cocaine.

Dishwasher
You play bass in a progressive rock band.

DJ
You are one wedding season away from dropping your mixtape and earning back the love of your ex.

Bartender
You will drop out of school and stay at this job until your late 20s and you will regret ever taking a summer job.