Here’s Some Shit We Watched Because It’s Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th and horror go back a ways, well past Crystal Lake. This Friday, allow us to present a slew of horror movies, classic and well…not so much…for your view pleasure.

Khooni Panja

A man murders his wife after she catches him having sex with another woman. The rest of the movie is about her dismembered hand battling the powers of a tantrik while exacting revenge on everyone who wronged her. Halfway through the movie we wished the hand would put us out of our misery.

Raat

Minimal dialogue, oodles of atmosphere, and Om Puri in his exorcist avatar. Directed by Ram Gopal Varma at his heyday and starring Revathy, haunted house thriller Raat (1992) still chills.

Suryavanshi

A six-pack cannibal battling Salman Khan dons his best Conan the Barbarian expression for this 1992 trainwreck. The conceit is that Suryavanshi bests a slew of weird monsters so he can sleep with princess Suryalekha and bounce. This is to avenge his buddy Amar Singh who died in his quest to sleep with Suryalekha. It’s all very touching. Oh there’s a curse and soul transference as well.

Hiss

At some point in time, Bollywood managed to get David Lynch’s daughter, Jennifer Chambers Lynch to direct a movie where an American named George States (a name that totally did not come out of a white guy name generator) travels to India to milk to the Nagmani from an immortal shape-shifting Cobra goddess to cure his cancer. Typing that whole sentence makes us wish we’d been murdered. Best watched when zooted if at all!

Bhoot

Another Ram Gopal Verma joint. Urmila Matondkar is possessed by the ghost of the woman murdered in the apartment she moves into in a quest for revenge.

Papi Gudia

In this shady remake of the Child’s Play, the dastardly Chucky is replaced by Channi. Channi’s on a spree murdering little children with dreams of taking over the world through these sacrifices. With just one last child to kill, Channi gets shot in a police encounter. Using black magic at the last minute, he transforms himself into the creepy plastic doll with a pink hat. There’s action, drama, fight scenes and even a bit of romance thrown in with Karishma Kapoor in the lead. If you need to watch it, we suggest the condensed 17-minute version.

Bandh Darwaza

One of the most famous Ramsay brothers offering. A couple unable to conceive turn to a rapey vampire who demands they hand over their daughter to him. There’s a rumour that in the unedited VHS copy, the vampire is confronted with a Bible, the Bhagavad Gita and a Koran. Secular times people.