Tom Cruise has this new sci-fi movie coming out called Oblivion. Directed by Joseph Kosinski, Oblivion is his follow-up to Tron: Legacy, a film most memorable for its striking visuals, its digital take on Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski, and its exquisite score by Daft Punk. This time around, Kosinski has enlisted M83 to score his new film. You may remember M83 from their last record Hurry Up We’re Dreaming, featuring the hit single “Midnight City,” otherwise known as “HA-Huh-hoo-HA!”
M83’s first song from the movie recently hit the web, and as Noisey’s self-proclaimed science-fiction correspondent, I can say with cyborg-like certainty that between seeing the trailer at least a dozen times in theaters and hearing the song like three times just now, I can calculate with relative accuracy what is probably going to happen in this movie. Engage.
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We open on pretty much that same scene that starts in the trailer, where Tom Cruise is talking about a fake future Superbowl (Oops! I don’t think I’m legally allowed to say, you know… Superb… owl). He starts acting out the futuristic “Big Game,” which probably includes an exploding football and motorcycles and at least one live tiger. Then the nostalgia gets to him. He catches his breath, takes off his New York Cyber-Yankees cap, wipes his brow, looks over at the moss-covered Empire State building (which is right there), and says “Man, it’s hard living in Oblivion.”
HA-Huh-hoo-HA!
Title credits.
Tom Cruise fixes the drone he came down to this post-apocalyptic “After-Earth” to fix, even though it gives him a little sass while he’s at it. He doesn’t trust those drones…
He gets back into his Testicle-Ship and flies back to SPACE-BASE 1, where he and his handler, a sassy redhead named Aurorica Vipermouth, engage in some expository banter that explains to the audience everything they need to know for the plot to make sense—stuff like how aliens attacked Earth and were later defeated, that there’s monsters on the surface probably, which is why there’s drones down there or something. She sprinkles in a few tidbits of information that may seem extraneous but will set up the twist at the end.
“We just have one last drone-fixing mission, Tom, and then we can go back and join the others in New Spacetopiaburg. What could go wrong?”
“A thousand things can go wrong in Oblivion, Aurorica! There’s, like, tens of things down there that can kill you in heartbeat.”
“Don’t screw this up Tom! Now get your all-white spaceman suit and Cyber-Yankees hat on and get back down there!” And then maybe she says “Then we can get married.”
There might be a romantic subplot between these two, I’m not sure. But if there is, there will definitely be double-crosses involved. I mean, her name is Vipermouth.
HA-Huh-hoo-HA!
A real intense M83 song with lots of saxophone kicks in as Tom soars over the skyline of Old New York in his Testicle-Ship. He rolls down the windows and nods his head to the beat, doing dolphin-hand out the driver’s side window. Then, a blip appears on his sensor screen. He tracks down the malfunctioning drone—the last one he’s supposed to fix—and it’s stuck down a really dark foreboding hole. Instead of flying down there, he parks and repels down the hole. But his rope snaps for some reason!
He falls in slow motion as a really strings-heavy M83 tune plays, and lands directly in a dentist chair and passes out. When he wakes up, Morgan Freeman is there wearing a sweet pair of goggles. And Tom Cruise is like, “You’re in this movie?”
HA-Huh-hoo-BA-DA-DA-DA!
“They’ve been lying to you, Tom.” Try to hear Morgan Freeman’s voice in your head while you read this part. “They’ll never let you leave Oblivion. The only way off this forsaken planet is through me. There’s a rescue ship coming, and if you want in, you’re gonna have to cozy up.”
“I don’t believe you!”
“If only you could see the world through my awesome goggles, Tom.”
“Never!”
“To prove I’m being real with you… here’s your old girlfriend.”
“Tabatha?”
Tom is reunited with his old girlfriend from before the alien attack, but she doesn’t quite remember him, because amnesia. Then there’s a montage of them becoming friends and him learning the ways of Morgan Freeman and his goggle-wearing Oblivion folk. It’s kind of like the montage in The Last Samurai, also starring Tom Cruise, where that same thing happens. Just when he’s getting comfortable and the goggle-people are starting to accept them as one of their own, drone attack!
HA-Huh-hoo-HA!
Prolonged sequence of Tom Cruise running. Running, running, running. Explosions around him everywhere and his face gets dirty. Then he finds his Testicle-Ship under the space tarp he put over it when he parked it. He gets in and there’s a sweet dog fight with all the drones. This is the scene where M83 experiments with dubstep.
At the end of the scene, he gets shot down by one of the drones. He kicks off the hatch of his ship, and the drone transforms into Aurorica Vipermouth. She was a drone all along.
“I trusted you, Vipermouth. And you double-crossed me. Well, guess what? Now I’m the one who’s cross. Doubly so.”
Karate.
Morgan Freeman and Tabatha arrive at the scene, and Tom Cruise ain’t doin’ so hot. Just before Aurorica Vipermouth is about to perform a killing blow with her chainsaw-foot, Will Smith and his multi-talented son Joe-Don show up!
“Grandpa! We found you!” yells Joe-Don as he runs into Morgan Freemans arms. Will Smith puts on a pair of sunglasses and goes “Welcome to After-Earth,” then blasts Aurorica Vipermouth with a laser-zooka.
It’s a double-twist. The end of both Oblivion and After Earth is that it was the same movie the whole time.
The rescue ship shows up and they all fly away together to the real New Spacetopiaburg after Joe-Don activates a homing beacon, with M83’s first collaboration with the Fresh Prince playing as the credits roll.
The Double-End.
The truth is I’m actually really pumped to see both of these movies and hope that at least one of them features a Will Smith rap in the end credits. But I’ll settle for a score by M83, which is probably going to be pretty awesome too.
Here’s hoping that they get Ty Segall to do the score for the double-sequel After Oblivion.
David Bailey has seen some movies. Follow him on Twitter – @theringadingkid
