Hey Ron! – How Do I Look Good for a Beating?

We have a sort of complex and slightly confusing inquiry this week, but of course Ron is here to clarify and rectify the shit out of our troubled young soul. Our questioner wants to know how he can get spiffy for a night out at the club AND wishes to get some tips from Ron about how to prepare himself for both assaulting and being assaulted, should either case arise. That’s a lot to ask in one sitting, but Ron’s got it covered.

Hey Ron! I have some questions about confidence. What’s a good routine to go through in order to prepare for a night at the bar, club, or a party? What’s a good set of tips on how to muster up courage in preparation for a beating (dealt or received)? Also when, if at any point, does jumping occur in these scenarios? Thank you for your time.

Confidence is something you should be born with. If you don’t have it now, the hell with you, you’re kinda screwed. But for those who are trying to develop confidence, I will suggest these things: Before you go into a club or party, make sure you’re groomed well; clean the hairs in your nose; shave, shower, and get your haircut. Good breath helps. If you’re overweight, make sure the money in your pocket outweighs your stomach. If your body isn’t tight, make sure your wallet is. If you’re short, make sure you’re tall sitting down.

Out of all of those things, I may have none (except, really, I have them all, but let’s pretend). But the one thing I do have is that my game is tight. And I mean my verbal game. You got to have a verbal game to succeed, because a verbal game will get you mostly anything that a woman has to offer. A woman’s game has to be tight too. Not as tight as her bra or her skirt, but almost as tight. There’s not too much more I can say about confidence. If you don’t have these things, nothing else is going to work for you.

Now you’ve kind of thrown me off with your second question. I don’t know if you had been drinking before you decided to send this question, but I have never heard of any of my friends “mustering up” a beatdown or doing the same to beat someone down. Either you’re a weirdo and want to get beatdown, or you’re man enough to give a beatdown—it isn’t that complicated. Save these kinds of questions for your grandma and maybe she can help you out. 

If you find yourself in the midst of a beatdown and you are outnumbered, you just hit the biggest guy and hope for the best. You just hope that the rest of them go: “Wow, he just knocked out the biggest dude here. Let’s leave him alone.” Or they may say, “Oh, you hit him and it wasn’t hard enough. Let’s kill him.” If that happens then I hope you got your running shoes on, because you’re going to have to become a track star out there. Or you become OJ Simpson–jump in your Bronco and head for the hills.

As for the third part, again dude, what you been drinking? I have no clue what to say to that kind of question. “Jumping?” Are you planning on getting jumped or jumping someone? Finish your sentence. It’s incomplete. I really don’t know what to say about this. I even asked some of my white friends and they didn’t know either. So if they have no clue and I have no clue, there is no answer.

Love,
Ron

Much better job with the questions last week, people. Keep it up, and make sure to send us a real problem, not one you already read about in this column. Spill your guts here, and if it’s good enough you might end up with a “Hey Ron!” t-shirt in your mailbox just like the one Ron is wearing above.