Hey Ron! – I Want To Steal Somebody’s Boyfriend

The mess Ron has to clean up this week is sloppier than a dung beetle’s hind legs during a dysentery pandemic: A college girl in the middle of nowhere wants a guy she likes to break up with his long-term girlfriend and get with her. Keep reading to find out why Ron says her wishes fall under the category of “big-time no-no.”

Hey Ron!

I’m a history grad student with a penchant for other historians. My school is small and in the middle of a cornfield, so the dude pickings are slim. But there is this one guy in my department who is super-cute. We have great chemistry, great conversations, etc. The problem? He has a girlfriend of over five years. I’m thinking, they were together junior and senior year of college and then they started working… now inertia’s the only thing propelling it forward. If he hasn’t put a ring on it after five years, he never will. And I know she isn’t the Brangelina “we don’t need matrimony” type. So I’m seeing it ending and me stepping in as the replacement. But maybe this is that kind of wishful thinking girls are so very good at, and he flirts with me because he’s a guy and that’s what they do. What do you think?

You seem to be a highly educated person, but you’re letting your hormones take advantage of your proper thoughts. Regardless if he puts a ring on her finger or not, you wanting to be her “replacement” is ridiculous.

I replace my tires. I replace my shoes. I can’t replace my wife just like he can’t replace his girl. You can find somebody else you love but you can’t replace a person. If it’s slim pickings, it’s going to get even slimmer the older you get. I would just forget about the whole notion of becoming his new girlfriend. You’re climbing up a tree that you’re going end up falling out of.

A better option would be to move to another state. Or maybe find a farmer. You live in a place with lots of corn, and I’m sure there are plenty of farmers around. They might not be educated but I’m sure they’ve got good teeth from eating all that corn.

That said, if he does break up with her then it’s open game! But be careful. People have lots of definitions for the word “flirting.” If he says, “Good morning, good night,” he’s not flirting. He’s just being polite. Don’t take politeness for flirting. A lot of people in general take politeness for flirting, so don’t fall into that trap. If an attractive guy is talking to you and he touches you on the shoulder, you might think he likes you. But he could just be a touchy person. Like there are girls who say, “OK Sweetie, I’ll see you later.” That’s probably her way. She could call her pet poodle Sweetie for all you know.

If you really know the person, you should have an idea if they’re flirtatious in general. If he acts this way with you and no one else at school then, yes, he’s flirting with you. On the other hand, if he’s like that with everybody, don’t think you are special.

Love,
Ron

We’ve run out of Hey Ron! t-shirts to give to selected letter writers; however, to make up for it next week’s “winner” will receive an autographed headshot of everyone’s favorite accounts receivable manager. Mail your questions here.