Hey Ron! Is Bald Beautiful?

Hey Ron!

My girlfriend used to have a magnificent head of hair. It was dirty blond and down past her shoulders. You know in commercials when a girl uses Pantene Pro-V and her luscious locks look all slowmo and shiny? That’s the kind of hair she had. I loved every inch of it.

But a few months ago, I noticed that her forehead looked bigger. Upon closer inspection, I realized that her hairline was receding. I’m 33, Ron. I haven’t even started balding yet. What’s up with my girl? She’s thinning pretty hard these days. Her head’s patchy like a dog who chews its fur. I’m afraid she’s going to be completely bald soon. 

What do you think? Is bald beautiful, or should I dump the shedder before she’s fully smooth?

Sincerely,
My Baby’s Balding

Dear My Baby’s Balding,

To be honest, I’m partial to long-haired women. Have I dated girls with short hair? Sure. But there is nothing in this world better than playing with a girl’s long hair. 

I’m bald, myself. So I don’t know if I could date a bald-headed woman, because people might think we’re twins or something. I do know we’d save a lot of money on shampoos and trips to the salon. That’s a car payment right there.

If she’s going bald, though, you need to make sure you don’t pull out her hair. You should be afraid of that. I’ve pulled out a girl’s hair while bumping uglies before. But those were just extensions. They don’t count. If you yank out your girlfriend’s hair, it may never grow back. My advice is keep your hands to yourself if you think she’s losing it up top.

She might as well go all out and shave it off, like that Amber Rose chick with the donkey butt. There’s a long history of white chicks shaving their heads, too. Natalie Portman did it for that Occupy Wall Street movie. Remember GI Jane? Demi Moore still looked sexy. Come on. There are a lot of women I could see bald. But they need to have the body to go with it. The skin-head look is not going to work for you if you’re wearing an A-cup and have no hips or butt. I don’t want to be with a girl who has the same build and hair as me. Now we’re talking twins. That’s not what I want to be known for.

Wigs can solve the problem. My mom wore wigs back in the 70s and early 80s. Nikki Minaj wears wigs all the time. It’s like jewelry for her. It’s an accessory. If my girl was losing her hair, I would say, “Get rid of it, sweetie.” Then I’d say, “This week I want you to be blond. Next week, brunette.” That’s like having multiple girlfriends. You can have a great time with your bald girlfriend. The role play is insane. Enjoy it.

Love,
Ron

Previously – Hey Ron! Will the Flu Kill Me?

Ron is VICE’s accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and antisocial thoughts don’t surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions at HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them at @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets his or her question answered will receive his or her very own Hey Ron! T-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.