Hey Ron! with a Vengeance

Yippie ki-yay, VICE readers! Ron is back. Our office soothsayer has finally returned after a long and ragged journey filled with tribulations, advice giving, and redemption. We were sure we had lost Ron to a harrowing addiction during the summer of 2012, when he became a full-blown Black Ops junkie. It got so bad, he was missing work just so he could sit in his living room in his drawers and taunt teenagers after racking up kills on multiplayer team deathmatch battles. We were certain he was washed up for good.

But then something incredible happened. Around midnight on October 3, 2012, Ron’s frenetic gaming was interrupted by a call from a number he didn’t recognize. But when the regal voice on the receiver said “hey Ron!” he knew exactly who it was—President Barack Obama. At this point, Ron was so lost in his game-junkie haze, he had stopped following the news. So he had no idea Barack Obama had just taken a serious booty-banging from Romney in the first presidential debate and that the very future of the United States was in serious jeopardy. The President then proceeded to do what so many of us have done before and asked for Ron’s help. “Listen man, I need some advice. I can’t go out like no punk. Come to Washington tonight and help me beat this peckerwood bastard!”

And just like that, our advice columnist’s heart grew the size of ten Rons, plus two. He finally put the controller down, tugged on some pants, and headed to DC to meet the existential threat of a Romney presidency head-on and show Barack how to let his presidential nuts hang. The rest is, well, history.

Now fresh off saving the country, Ron has returned to VICE as a new man with newfound energy. He’s ready to start offering his advice-giving gifts to the people again and he’s been Black Ops clean for nearly four months. If you have questions about the world and its strange ways, don’t hesitate to ask Ron.

Look for the return of Hey Ron! this Friday on VICE.com.

Ron is VICE’s accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and antisocial thoughts don’t surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions at HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them at @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets his or her question answered will receive his or her very own Hey Ron! T-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.