How Did LaRon Landry’s Arms Get So Huge?

So. This is a picture of suspended NFL safety LaRon Landry. You may notice that LaRon Landry has comically oversized biceps, a trait he is well-known for. He’s so well-known for it, in fact, that it’s just sort of accepted and marveled at whenever a new picture of him looking especially beefy emerges. But this ignores a major question, which is: how does this happen? We have no idea, but we have some theories.

• LaRon Landry’s stomach is actually split in two halves, each located in his biceps and LaRon Landry routinely eats practice squad members. It helps him to maintain his physique and employability.
• LaRon Landry has amputated Popeye’s forearms and had them surgically implanted in his biceps.
• LaRon Landry’s biceps are actually hollow with inflatable rubber hoses inside and he has never once been in a bathroom with a New England Patriots staffer.
• LaRon Landry is part man, part blowfish, and always terrified.
• Pinocchio was only semi-accurate, and LaRon Landry is a pathological liar.
• LaRon Landry has two penises and one crippling pornography addiction.
• The entire Gremlins franchise takes place inside LaRon Landry’s body, a massive oversight considering the human body is 65 percent water and Landry almost always eats after midnight.
• LaRon Landry actually walks on his hands, but we only ever see him standing upright.
• LaRon Landry has slept in a sarcophagus with a 2,000 pound, indestructible lid since he was seven years old. He even naps in it.
• LaRon Landry suffers from a rare condition known as autopendulus extremity gigantism, which is when your hands are super heavy and involuntarily swing back and forth, 24 hours a day.
• LaRon Landry’s greatest aspiration is to be in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
• LaRon Landry is incapable of passing gas either orally or rectally.