How to Be a Cyclist Without Being a Dick

Image via Pixabay.

I haven’t ridden a bike for at least three years. The reason being I was doored while riding my fixed gear by a parked driver. She was looking at her phone and threw her door open as I rode past. My sternum was cracked down the middle and the top of the door pierced through my pectoral next to my shoulder. I bought a road bike after that.

About a year later, I broke my spine in a non cycling-related accident. Just when I was considering getting back on the bike I saw a driver with a provisional license cut off a rider in slow-moving traffic. The rider—who was riding at a reasonable speed down the bike lane—went right over the roof. He landed on his back, still clipped into his cleats, in front of the car. The poor guy was unable to stand and obviously in a lot of pain. Just as he was about to lose his shit, the car door opened and out slunk a teenage girl in a Pokemon onesie. The guy almost laughed and lay back down defeated.

I decided after that maybe I would stick to jogging.

But in spite of these stories and the many others I could tell, this article isn’t about cyclists getting hurt. It’s about the reasons people aren’t generally very sympathetic when it happens.

Not many sports double as transport and a way of getting fit. Cycling and skateboarding are probably the only two that are socially acceptable. But while skateboarders are expected to be dicks, even celebrated for it, cyclists have to deal with a disproportionate amount of community anger.

Now the short answer to why that is probably boils down to the fact that driving in built-up areas fucking sucks. What driver wouldn’t be mad at the guy zipping through traffic and enjoying the sun and wind on his oversized quads?

But there’s more to it than that, and with this in mind, here are a few suggestions on how one might ride a bike without being a dick.

Image via Flickr user Anne and Tim.

Starting out

Ideally, start out young. I know many of us don’t have that luxury, usually moving onto cycling after our knees are too damaged for high impact sports or after years of HBO box sets and bad eating have taken their toll.

Generally speaking, the move onto a road bike begins as a solo endeavor.

After smoking a few middle-aged office potatoes up a hill, you’ll inevitably start to believe that this was your calling. Maybe you’re the next Contador. And much like the score on Candy Crush you thought was unbeatable, you’ll soon find your dreams pummeled when you see the high score table. So keep a lid on it.

Don’t hate on Lycra. You will end up wearing it.

Yes, we all go through it. You start out casual with your vintage Italian racer or French track frame, commuting comfortably between home and work in your selvedge Japanese denim.

Eventually though, you will want to head out on longer rides. Rides with your new cycling buddies where there’s fresh air and hills to climb. At this point, jeans won’t cut it.

At first you’ll tell yourself that a pair of chino shorts will suffice. But when you’re curled up on the couch bleeding from the perineum, you’ll be punching your credit card into Wiggle before you know it.

Wearing Lycra is popular because it works. There’s no shame in it. It’s much like a public change room or a urinal. We’re all aware of the dicks on display, but we keep our eyes up and pretend they’re not there.

Besides, that extra padding in the groin is there for reasons we shouldn’t need to explain.

Avoid car-hating stickers

“One less car” doesn’t mean much if you can’t afford a car and would otherwise be catching public transport. It means even less if it’s stuck to a bike that’s on a roof rack.

(Disregard this item if you literally traded your car in for a bike at a place that then destroyed that car.)

Wear a helmet

It’s not for you, it’s for everyone else. No one wants your brains splattered all over the bonnet of their Suzuki Swift.

“It’s my body, the government can’t tell me what to do with it,” I hear you say. But firstly they can, that’s what all those fines you keep getting are for. Secondly, when you get into an accident, where’s the first place you’ll go looking for help with the medical expenses?

Also, don’t wear a helmet with the strap undone. You’ve already smushed your pompadour, so what are you trying to prove?

Image via Sydney Cyclist.

Don’t cable-tie your helmet

This trend perplexed me for ages. Why do men with beards and a very unnecessary amount of reflective gear put cable ties on their helmets?

The answer: to stop magpies and other territorial birds from swooping them.

You’re wearing a helmet to protect your head! This seems like the one and only time you can be comfortably swooped by a magpie, safe in the knowledge that the bird will come out second best.

If anything, wear cable ties on your head at all other times when your scalp is vulnerable to attack.

Or better yet, avoid being the wacky cyclist in general.

This goes for recumbents, which are a great way to wind up in the wheel hub of a dump truck, and nude rides. These are less a form of protest as they are an opportunity for men to expose themselves to kids outside of Chatroulette.

Act like a car

Don’t go getting pissed that you’re not respected as a vehicle on the road and then ride up on the sidewalk or run a light when it suits you.

Bikes are great because you get to ride through the gaps in traffic jams while everyone gives you death stares. You hardly have to stress about finding a parking spot outside of finding a suitable pole to chain to.

Of course, this is sort of pointless advice. You’re only human and if the opportunity is there you’ll take it. Just remember it gives ammunition to all the bike-hating drivers watching you.

Get your bike off my train

If you’re not willing to commit to your chosen mode of transport, then maybe cycling is not for you.

No one wants to be crammed onto a peak-hour train. It’s bad enough having to breathe in a strangers diseased air. Having your muddy tires jamming into everyone’s legs is a really shitty start to the day.

Rolling two blocks to the station and then walking your bike into your work coffee in hand is not fooling anyone.

Image by author

Ride single-file

Yes, many drivers are assholes. There’s no doubt about that. But riding side by side while in traffic is a total dick move. Take the opportunity to coast off your buddy’s slipstream and enjoy the sight of those sexy, Lycra-wrapped glutes. There will be plenty of time to discuss the peloton you passed or the headwind you ran into when you stop for a banana.

“Girls bikes” are death machines

This goes out to everyone, regardless of gender. The average vintage step-through bike is incredibly heavy with handlebars that turn in at wrist-snapping angles. When combined with a giant basket full of produce from the local farmers’ market, these are terrifying to drive past.

Unless you wear a petticoat and an ankle-length gown when riding, get a regular bike.

Bell ringing

In Australia it’s actually illegal to ride a bike without a bell. In my experience if some clown is about to back into you with their car, yelling “CUNT!” at the top of your lungs is far more effective than an irritating, high-pitch ting. Nevertheless it’s a good idea to have one solely to avoid the occasional police crackdown.

Whatever you do, please use your bell only when necessary.

Watch where you chain your bike

This one’s pretty simple. Chaining your bike through someone else’s bike is just not cool, deliberate or otherwise. It just takes a second to check your surroundings and avoid ruining another rider’s day.

Image via Flickr user istolethetv.

Don’t tow your kids

I’m not sure what you call them, but those little covered bubble trailers that city types tow their kids around in are plain irresponsible. I don’t know much about parenting, but dragging little Heston around at ground level is asking for trouble.

Waiting in a side street while you drag your bean-fueled commuter uphill toward the local Montessori school will have even the most patient driver ready to floor it the moment you pass. Let’s not deny the world another Junior Masterchef.

Get some good lights

Most serious riders these days are lit up like a Christmas tree. You don’t need a spotlight, just something to let people know you’re there.

If nothing else, it puts you in the right when someone clips you with their door.

Talk about something else

Once you get serious about riding you’ll want to find friends to ride with. These new buddies will have one guaranteed shared interest: cycling.

This doesn’t mean that you should talk about nothing but bikes. If you go out with work friends, you are expected to leave your work behind and talk about something different like My Kitchen Rules or god forbid, football.

Nothing is more soul destroying than going for a ride with a group of guys that talk about nothing but play-by-play replays of previous rides or price comparisons of online chainring purchases.

Don’t be afraid to talk a little about your other interests: music, sports, movies. You may just find you have more in common than you thought. Like, I don’t know, home-cured meats or beard grooming.