How to Be a Punk Celebrity

Congratulations, you’ve made it. Maybe your band is picking up some steam, or you posted a picture on Tumblr that got *so many notes*, or you got Follow Friday’d by some sort of seminal punk godfather. One thing is for certain – fame lasts forever. But you have to do a small amount of work to keep it going. Here are a few tips to sustain your status and credibility in our inclusive punk community.

PRETEND TO BE BEWILDERED BY YOUR SUCCESS

While simultaneously amping your upcoming projects with phrases like “This is gonna be a crazy year” and “We’re doing big things,” make sure whenever anything tangible and noteworthy comes around, you refer to it as “super weird” and “I don’t know how this happened.” This will showcase that you are humble and have a “man/woman of the people” quality. For example, when your hometown show sells out, proclaim, “Our show is SOLD OUT! So weird.” When you reach a certain Twitter milestone, express gratitude but also casually mention how many followers you have.

BECOME VERIFIED ON TWITTER

Speaking of Twitter, this is easy – just take a picture of yourself with a newspaper (any newspaper from any time) and email it to , then tweet incessantly at @verified, “How am I not verified?” or “What the hell man what do I gotta do to get verified?” and they will verify you within the week. Use your verified status to communicate with other verified celebs for the non-verified public to fawn over.

KNOW (OR APPEAR TO KNOW) FAMOUS PEOPLE

It’s all about who you know, baby. The best way to showcase your epic famous friend circle is snaggin’ pics with them. Ideally, these shots are candid, and seem like you didn’t even realize they were being taken – but in dire circumstances you can just outright ask another famo for a pic. Post that puppy on your ‘gram, casually refer to the celebrity as your friend, and BOOM! Everyone will believe you are the best of friends, even if you were just lurking in the shadows waiting for your chance to slide in and sheepishly ask for a photo.

SAY YES TO EVERYTHING

Our culture (society!!!) is outraged constantly, and it’s great! Your newfound fame gives you a perfect platform to voice your opinions, no matter how formed, thought-out or educated they may be. Use this soapbox to hype your brand, baby!!! If a publisher asks you to write an article or “thinkpiece” and you’ve actually never really written anything except a few dozen songs, just do it! It’s not about what you have to say, it’s about saying something.

NEVER SELL OUT

Remember, you’re a PUNK celebrity, not a celebrity celebrity. There is a fine line you must walk to keep your integrity. Never bow to the man for any reason, most of all money. Money is nothing to you. The word never even leaves your mouth unless you’re making fun of Fall Out Boy. Punk celebrities, unlike all other living people in the world, are granted full financial immunity from the government, landlords, and health care providers, for the sole purpose of pursuing their teenage fantasies well into their late twenties.

Chris Farren is a founding member of Fake Problems from Naples, FL. His band’s music has been featured on commercials for Taco Bell, AT&T, and Android, as well as two episodes of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians.’ Every week, he freaks out and deletes the Twitter app from his phone, only to reinstall it a few days later. @chrisfarren