How to Be the Perfect Man, According to These Women

Men, like Dove packaging, come in all shapes and sizes. But if you were going to mould the perfect man out of Play-Doh and human hair, what would he look like?

I took to the streets to find out.

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VICE: Who would be your perfect man?
Savannah, 18: My perfect man would be someone who doesn’t have really long hair. I find that boys with long hair are super annoying and they’re all the same. They are all thirsty and annoying and hyper-masculine. They are the complete opposite of what the long hair would signify. You’d think they’d be sensitive and squidgy, but they are megalomaniacs – trust me. So someone bald, like that guy off MasterChef. No, actually, I want a man with a buzz cut – they are really hot.

What would the bald man’s personality be like?
Someone funny who doesn’t care about shit, like at all.

A nihilist?
No, not a slob – I want someone who is going somewhere, who doesn’t just sit at home getting stoned. There are too many of those around.

I feel like at first a guy being a slob is kind of hot because you’re like, “Wow, this guy doesn’t give a fuck,” but by like the third week it’s like, “Are you going to watch that 35th Simpsons episode or are you gonna take me out?”
I am over the sofa stoner. It’s like, mate, we haven’t said more than like ten words to each other since we met.

How old is your perfect man?
I always find that my friends go for men that are dad age – guys that look like they could be their boss from work. I want guys that are the same age, because then you’re at the same stage in your lives. He’s not going to ask you to move in with you and he’s not going to be heading home from a night out at like 1AM because he has work the next day – ew.

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I also feel like I’m not mentally ready for a man, like a bare-chested, beer-bellied, school teacher type.
Men with massive beards – that is not my thing. I don’t want to face a man yet; I want, like, a young guy who I can bounce around and have fun with. I don’t like muscly men like the ones on Ex on the Beach.

I’ve actually never met a girl who fancies an Ex on the Beach-style man, because it is a category of man.
I think girls look hot when they have that look – like, all toned and wearing loads of shiny makeup – but on guys it freaks me out so much. My friend said sleeping with a really muscly guy is like sleeping with a bulbous plank. She said his six-pack was so big it felt like he had loads of abscesses.

Do you have any celebrity dream men?
Ryan Gosling. And I fancy Paul Rudd so much. He is so sweet and he has a beautiful smile. His soul seems so pure. I actually love him so much.

So you fancy nice guys then?
I still feel like I go for douchebags who do nothing, smoke weed and then do more nothing. You kind of get this impulse that you want to do something to them – to fix them, in a way. But we can’t change man – and even if we could I’d probably be like, “Ew, have some self-respect.” If someone treats me like shit I’m like, ‘Oh my god I am obsessed with you,” and then if someone is nice to me I’m like, “Please step out of my personal space.” I think a lot of girls have that. We want to be treated like shit.

Although, when girls go on Love Island or whatever and are like, “I fancy bad boys,” I always think: what do you mean by that? Do you want to fuck a murderer?
So true – like, are you after Ted Bundy or something?

Can you describe your perfect man?
Terry-Lee, 20: Tall, dark hair.

Handsome?
Yeah.

That’s new.
[Laughs] Yeah, pretty standard Ken Doll vibes.

What would your dream man be like?
Nice, funny, caring.

Does that match up to your boyfriend?
Yeah, he is pretty perfect. Loyal.

Who do you fancy?
Ryan Gosling.

He’s not dark; he’s only tall and handsome.
Yeah, but it’s Ryan Gosling. There’s something about him. I think it’s because he plays such violent characters in films, but then he has this cheeky smile, where his eyes crinkle to the side and it’s super cute.

Can you describe your perfect man to me?
Susannah, 25: Funny – but, like, effortlessly funny, like he’s not trying too hard.

So no dad jokes?
No, I actually love dad jokes. They’re so cheesy and quirky. It shows that a guy doesn’t take himself too seriously and that he’s willing to put himself on the line and receive abuse.

What about looks?
I want a good-looking guy, but he doesn’t have to know it. I don’t want a guy that’s so pretty he’s like a painting; a normal guy with maybe a bit of something extra. They have to be confident and they have to be nice with random people. If I’m with a guy and he’s rude to a cashier or something I find it so unattractive.

And they have to be good around your friends.
Yeah, absolutely – you don’t want to be babysitting them around a room. And you need a good balance between a guy who can cuddle with you on the sofa for hours and someone who loves going out.

Yeah, or like you need a balance between a guy who wants to go out all the time and a guy who’s really clever and interesting.
I find that, too. Some guys who really like to go out lack depth. They have small talk locked down, but when you get them on their own you find that they’re really empty. You want someone who, if you went on holiday, you could just lie on the beach with them and chill; and you want someone who you could go to Maga with and have a laugh. You want the best of everything; that’s the perfect man.

But then you wouldn’t fancy him because he’d be too nice.
Yes, but included in the “best of everything” is someone who wouldn’t be too nice. I don’t want someone who dribbles after me, always texting me to see if I’m OK, following me around like a wet dog.

Yeah, when girls say they prefer personality over looks, that’s not a humanitarian gesture; that’s just a clever way of saying, “I like men who are cunts rather than boys who look pretty.”
You have to find someone who matches you, and it’s a really difficult thing to do because I can describe the perfect man and you could give him to me and he could disgust me.

Thanks!

Can you describe your perfect man?
Nima: Someone kind, funny; someone who has a hidden talent. Like you think he’s just like every other guy because he looks like a bad boy in joggers and a cap and stuff, and then he just starts playing the piano like Beethoven or some shit. Like a guy that acts up loads and then you find out that they are really, really clever.

Do you like nice guys?
N: You don’t want a wet flannel that’s all soppy and can’t stand up for himself when you’re giving him shit. Like, if you said, “You can’t go out with the boys tonight” and he’d just roll over and be like “course, bae” and massage your feet all night – that’s too much.
R: I don’t like cunts, basically.

Who do you fancy?
N: Justin Timberlake.

That was quick.
N: He is in my brain always.

Loads of girls fancy Ryan Gosling.
R: That’s the guy from La La Land. I don’t think he is attractive at all, flapping around in a suit like a dickhead. He looks like a waiter.

You must be one of the few women on the planet who don’t fancy Ryan Gosling.
R: He was in that other romantic film wasn’t he?

The Notebook.
R: Not seen it.

Do you like tall, dark and handsome men?
R: I like dark, but with bright eyes.

Like “felon bae”, that convict with those really blue eyes.
R: Dunno who that is, but he sounds peng. I love boys with green-ish eyes, too.
N: Yeah, if they have, like, a different type of eye, it’s just cute.
R: Yeah, if it’s like blonde and blue eyes it’s not unique, but if it’s, like, brown hair, blue eyes – then it’s like, “Ooh, OK.”

What about when guys have one eye one colour and the other a different colour?
R: Naaah, what?

Too much for you?
R: Yeah.
N: I got with a guy who had eyes like that.
R: You did what, girl?

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